TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._) [Illustration] None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter; Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maîter_ _D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater," As Britons, sure, may. As for _décor_, let the linen be stainless-- Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless. _Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less Oft from a _gourmet_. * * * * * MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists." * * * * * SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't want it known that there's anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.--ED.] * * * * * A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE. SCENE--_Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him enter Mr. JOHN BULL._ _Mr. Punch_. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you? _Mr. Bull_. I want to know your opinion, _Mr. Punch_ on the report of Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting? _Mr. P._ Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two--one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary of State for War. _Mr. B._ Can't they be lumped together, _Mr. Punch_? _Mr. P._ Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither satisfactory, although they contradict one another. _Mr. B._ So I think, _Mr. Punch_. What is to be done? _Mr. P._ I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL? _Mr. B._ Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection. If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it myself. _Mr. P._ Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run. _Mr. B._ To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about the details of security from fire. _Mr. P._ Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army? _Mr. B._ But I do, and a precious round sum too! _Mr. P._ However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any and everything can be bought by money. _Mr. B._ Pardon me, _Mr. Punch_, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can get soldiers at half the price that-- _Mr. P._ (_interrupting_). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners look after the fire themselves--they become soldiers, instead of securing substitutes. _Mr. B._ What do you mean? _Mr. P._ That you must either pay the market price, or go in for conscription. Your money--or your life! _Mr. B._ Well, I really think I must consider it--I do, indeed!