_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me, after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a 'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference? _Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE. _Earl_ (_angrily_). You here! _Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor! _Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for old jokes! _Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your Mother-in-law! _Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first! _Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._ [Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!! _Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._ ["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half- smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]] _Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you! _Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much. (_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me! _Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD. _Lord T.C._ Come and marry me. _Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy! [_Exeunt._ _Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA. _Quick Curtain._ _Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette._