REPORTS OF CRACKERS.--If among our old friend SPARAGNAPANE & Co.'s Crackers there are any that will "go off" better than others it will be those called _The True Lovers' Code Cosaques_. This is the latest addition to the School-Board Education Code for the Christmas Holidays. * * * * * [Illustration: "SET A THIEF TO CATCH A THIEF!" _Mrs. Brown_ (_a victim of secret social ambitions_). "OH, AS FOR POOR MRS. ROBINSON, _HER_ ONLY OBJECT IN LIFE IS TO DROP ALL HER OLD FRIENDS AND KNOW TITLED PEOPLE! ISN'T IT LOATHSOME AND SICKENING?" _Mrs. Jones_ (_who is consumed inwardly by just the same desire_). "YES, INDEED, IF IT'S TRUE! BUT WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE WANTS ANYTHING SO _UTTERLY_ DESPICABLE AND MEAN?" _Mrs. Brown_ (_naively_). "BECAUSE SHE WAS SO PRECIOUS HARD ON MRS. SMITH FOR TRYING TO KNOW LORD AND LADY SNOOKS!"] * * * * * "THE MISSING WORD." (?) THIS is "The Maiden All Forlorn," bowed down with burdens scarce to be borne, Waiting a blast on Hope's clarion horn, loud as the "Cock that crew in the morn." Bucolic, wheat-crowned, she--_Micawber_ seems she, waiting for something to turn up--somehow. Poor Agriculture! Care's merciless vulture has harried her vitals, and furrowed her brow. All are her friends--so each talker pretends-- from CHAPLIN the cheery, to WINCHILSEA wise, And valorous MUNTZ, who the land-question shunts, and "goes the whole hog" for Protection and rise; With rollicking LOWTHER, who's no Malagrowther, but larkily hints that the look-out is mournful; And NETHERSOLE, rustic and most nubibustic, of law and of logic complacently scornful. Poor latter-day Ceres! Quidnuncs and their queries will hardly restore her her loved long-lost daughter, (Fair Profits) whom Pluto ("the Foreigner") stole. Vainly landlords and farmers breathe forth fire and slaughter At Free Trade--that Circe on whom they've no mercy,--and howl down the speeches of those she's enchanted. The one "Missing Word" may sound wholly absurd to cool sense, but to them 'tis the one thing that's wanted. HOARE's wrath fiercely waxes. Reduction of Taxes? Low Rents? More improvements in modes of production? Pooh! SAUNDERS and RILEY must be far more wily to get _him_ to yield to their Red Rad seduction. He stands midst his ruins (like MARIUS) making of faith in Protection an open confession. 'Tis Duties on Food will alone do us good, nought else can now cure "the prevailing depression."