A Merry Christmas? Round each room That's writ in leaf and berry; But there be those, alas! to whom There's mockery in the "Merry." Merry?--when sorrow loads the heart, And nothing loads the larder? In the world's play the poor man's part At Yule-tide seems yet harder. Good cheer to him who hungry goes, And mirth to her who sorrows, Lend bitter chill to Christmas snows. Small joy care's bondsman borrows. From jollity he may not share, Despair is darkly drumming At his dull breast, whose hearth won't flare, Because--"Christmas is coming!" Good Greybeard Sire, you would not tire Gay youth with tales of trouble; World-gladness is your heart's desire, And so you're--riding double! Pleasant to see dear Charity Close pillion-poised behind you, Eager to bid her gifts fly free, We're happy so to find you. Ride on, and scatter largesse wide! Sore need is still no rarity, For all our Progress, Power, and Pride, We can't dispense with Charity. Ride on, kind pair, and may the air With happiness be humming, And poverty shake off despair, Because--"Christmas is coming!" * * * * * RATHER TOO PREMATURE.--We see "_Christmas Leaves_" advertised everywhere in glaring colours. This announcement is too early. "_Christmas Comes_," it should be, and then, any time after the 25th, will be appropriate for the announcement of his departure. * * * * * THE PORTER'S SLAM. [A meeting at Manchester has raised a protest against the nuisance caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.] The porter has a patent "slam," Which smites one like a blow, And everywhere that porter comes, That "slam" is sure to go. It strikes upon the tym-pa-num Like shock of dynamite; By day it nearly makes you dumb-- It deafens you at night. When startled by that patent "slam," The pious pas-sen-jare, Says something else that ends in "am," (Or he has patience rare.) Not only does it cause a shock, But--Manchester remarks-- "Depreciates the rolling stock," Well, that is rather larks! _That_'s not the point. The porter's slam Conduces to insanity, And, though as mild as MARY's lamb, Drives men to loud profanity. If Manchester the "slam" can stay By raising of a stir, All railway-travellers will say, "Bully for Man-ches-ter!" * * * * * _Kelly's Directory for_ 1893.--Invaluable, and considered as "portable property" (to quote _Pip's_ friend), admirably suited for the pocket of any individual who should happen to be about twenty-five feet high. _How to use it?_ Why--see inside--it is full of "Directions." * * * * * [Illustration: "CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"] * * * * * MIXED NOTIONS.--No. II. UGANDA.