1 P.M.--Grand Luncheon, with speeches by the leading Military Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert. One-and-sixpence. 2 P.M.--Variety Show, including several of the best Lion Comiques, and the astounding performances of the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia. Stalls, ten shillings. Soldiers in uniform admitted at a considerable reduction. 3 P.M.--Cricket Match between the famous Clown Eleven _versus_ the Ladies' Sixteen. Grand Stand, three-and-six. 4 P.M.--Comic Carnival, entitled, "Rollicksome Riflemen, or the Vicissitudes of the Volunteers." Reserved Seats, ninepence. There, my dear Sir, I think I have written enough. If there was any time to spare, the shooting programme might still be carried out; but business is business, and only by the means I have indicated (in my opinion) can Bisley be made to pay. Trusting that my suggestion may be accepted in the spirit in which it is offered, I remain, Yours truly, DIVIDEND BEFORE DEFENCE. _The Money Grubberies, the Twenty of Shillingsworth-in-the-Pound._ * * * * * ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS. (_A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the very next "Cause Celebre" that may have the good fortune to enlist the sympathies of the British Public._) SCENE--_A Corridor outside the Courts appropriated to the Common Law Division of the High Court of Justice. At each of the doors of the Court where the Great Trial of Arkass v. Arkass and Ambo--which abounds in "scandalous revelations in High Life"--is proceeding, a group of would-be auditors has collected, waiting with the patience of respectable Peris for a chance of admission to the forensic Paradise within. The Paradise, at present, is full to overflowing, and the doors are guarded by a couple of particularly stern and stolid attendants. Each Peri is trying to wear out the endurance of the rest, and to propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary behaviour._ [Illustration: No--but look _here_. I _know_ the Criminals.] _A Meek Man_ (_to Doorkeeper, after standing in hopeful silence for three-quarters of an hour_). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting in presently, eh? _The Doorkeeper_ (_placidly_). None whatever, Sir. _The M.M._ But they'll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so, and some will be coming out then, surely? _Doork._ Not many; them as _are_ in stays in, mostly. _The M.M._ (_with a sudden recollection that he is acquainted with one of the Counsel engaged in the case_). Couldn't you take in my card to Mr. TANFIELD? I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me. [_The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one guilty of unsportsmanlike behaviour._ _Doork._ It won't be no use--there ain't room in there as it is for a billiard-cue--leastwise (_conscientiously_), a stoutish one--but I'll get it taken in for you, if you _like_. [_He opens the door a very little, and passes the card to an attendant within._