_Ed._ (_genially_). Oh, no, I won't give you the trouble. I will read you what _he_ has written, and then you can see.--Ah, here it is! [_Produces enormous pile of MS._ _Ob. Vis._ (_hesitating_). Well, perhaps, if you don't mind-- [_Suddenly remembers an appointment and exit. Editor resumes hit work with an air of triumph. Curtain._ * * * * * THE THIEF'S MOTTO.--"Take things quietly." * * * * * [Illustration: _Jones_. "HOW IS IT WE SEE YOU SO SELDOM AT THE CLUB NOW?" _Old Member_. "AH, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT SO YOUNG AS I WAS; AND I'VE HAD A GOOD DEAL OF WORRY LATELY; AND SO, WHAT WITH ONE THING AND ANOTHER, I'VE GROWN RATHER FOND OF MY OWN SOCIETY." _Jones_. "EPICURE!"] * * * * * TO A PHEASANT. A SPORTSMANLIKE(?) SONG FOR SEPTEMBER. AIR--"_You are Queen of my Heart To-night_." I Stand in the copses sighing As the cruel hours creep by, And I see you slowly flying Above the trees on high. Your wondrous wealth, of feather Has weaved a subtle spell, And I softly wonder whether You'd really taste as well. For my hand is fairly steady Though my heart is beating fast, Oh, tell me that you too are ready To make this hour your last. For repentance may come when we're sober, Let's seize on the chance while we may; Then why should we wait till October? Oh! Why not be shot to-day? Oh! tell me why, why should I remember With a thought of wild alarm, That all through the month of sweet September You should be free from harm. Why, why does your beauty enslave me, As it does, you're bound to allow Oh! say but the word that will save me, And tell me to shoot you now. For my heart is wildly beating (As it's often done before), And the moments madly fleeting Are going to come never more. For repentance may come when we're sober, Let's seize on the chance while we may, Then why should we wait till October? Oh! Why not be shot to-day? * * * * * "THE GRATUITOUS OPINION." (_A STORY FOR THE LONG VACATION_.) The Eminent Lawyer was about to return to his private address, when there was a knock at the door of his Chambers. He attended to the summons himself, and found facing him an elderly and carefully dressed individual. "That some of my suburban neighbours desire the information, must be my excuse for troubling you," said the visitor. "Nay, do not apologise," returned the Eminent Q.C., "it is my pleasantest duty to give legal tips or applications to anybody. It is not altogether lucrative, as I deliver them for nothing, but then on the other hand, they are suitable for insertion in the papers, and that is a comforting consideration. What can I do for you?" [Illustration]