Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days previously in a Confectioner's window. Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling. Lobsters--boiled alive. Prawns--ditto ditto. Curried Rabbit--trapped. Patés de Foies Gras. Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show. Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness. * * * * * PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box, where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle somewhere." _Q. E. D._ * * * * * A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock. * * * * * SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR. Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season, whether it be warm or cold. There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in every six weeks. The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit. Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees, and govern the country, as per usual. Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and General BOOTH. A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago Exhibition. A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race, the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy. Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room. Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be reported in the Society papers. The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the Season. There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success or two. There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons, and as many important divisions. The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly unpopular. The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by the Press. There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths by misadventure." It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the British Navy is a snare and a delusion. Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late for the grouse. Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and promptly go abroad. A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.