WAGES. (_A long way after Lord Tennyson._) ["Lord WOLMER ... pointed out that Mr. GLADSTONE'S majority of forty would be wiped out if the 'paid mercenaries' of the Irish-American factions were withdrawn, or were even unable to keep up a steady attendance in the House of Commons."--_The Times._ "The proposed Bill to Provide for the Payment of Members of Parliament ... is a bold attempt to transfer to the tax-payers of Great Britain the burden of supporting at Westminster the Irish Nationalist Members."--_Ibid._] Glory of Irishman, glory of orator, going it strong, Paid by his countrymen's mites from across the Atlantic Sea-- Glory of PAT, to spout, to struggle, right Ireland's old wrong! Nay, but they aim not at glory, or Home Rule (swears WOLMER, swears he): Give 'em the glory of living on _us_ and our L. S. D.! The wages of swells are high; if high wage to a Minister's just. Shall we have the heart low wages to hard-worked M.P.'s to deny? _Mercenaries?_ What then are those toffs in high places of trust, Who live on our golden largess? Will WOLMER inform us just why We _may_ give wages to Wealth, and _not_ unto Poverty? * * * * * "Down Among the Dead Men." _Ebriosus loquitur_:-- Silly spook-hunters show a wish to learn If (_hic!_) departed spiritsh e'er return! _Did_ they, I should not have so dry a throttle, Nor would it cost so mush to--passh the bottle! Thersh no returning (_hic!_) of Spiritsh fled, And (_hic!_) "dead men"--_worsh luck!_--continue dead! * * * * * WANTED BADLY.--A "close time" for Autograph-hunting. Alas! the great--and even the not-so-very-great--are "made game of" all the year round. * * * * * [Illustration: PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY! COUNTY COUNCIL COOK. "DILLY, DILLY, DILLY! COME AND BE--_AMALGAMATED_!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A TRUSTY KNIGHT. _Tommy_ (_who has undertaken to escort his fair Cousin to see the Hounds draw Covert_), "AND YOU KNOW YOU NEEDN'T MIND ALL THESE MEN. IT'S ALL RIGHT, AS YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER FELLOW WITH YOU."] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S CHILD'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. _Question._ What is a holiday? _Answer._ The hard work of that wearisome pursuit known as "pleasure." _Q._ To whom are holidays profitable? _A._ To the butchers, the pastry-cooks, and last, but certainly not least, the doctors. _Q._ What are the ends of holidays? _A._ Pills and Bills. _Q._ What are pills? _A._ The means by which fortunes are made, and in another sense Clubs kept select. _Q._ And Bills? _A._ Necessary evils laid on the table in the House of Commons, and thrown into the waste-paper basket in the domestic circle. _Q._ What is Parliament?