_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). You hear? he's been to them. That proves they've found him out; they know him for the grovelling soaker he is, a wretch tottering on the verge of delirium tremens, and, rightly, they'll have nothing to do with him. It's very possible, gentlemen, that he _may_ have rich relations in the place where most of us have rich relations--I refer to the workhouse! (_Cheers and laughter._) And it is this wretch, this indescribable mixture of meanness and malignity, who has dared to come here and charge Mr. BAGWIND with crime! He asked you--and let him not deny it now--"What about Mr. SCAPEGOAT?" Well, there may be a good many things about Mr. SCAPEGOAT, but what I tell _you_ is--an observation like that is one that doesn't convey any concrete idea whatever; in short, it is the observation of a drivelling and confirmed lunatic! [Illustration: "I say--_Never!_"] _Voice in the Crowd._ With on'y one lung; don't forgit that, ole man! _Mr. G._ (_magnanimously_). No, I've done with his lung, now; it doesn't do to carry personalities too far, and I've disposed of that already, and have no desire to return to it. And, as I observe that the wretched object of the strictures which I have felt it my duty to express, has concluded his efforts with the hat, and met with the freezing contempt and indifference which are only to be expected from intelligent and fair-minded men like yourselves, I will now bring my exposure of the sophistries, the base insinuations, and the incoherent maunderings which he had the effrontery to impose upon your understandings as argument, to a premature close, and proceed to make a collection on my own account, and thereby afford you the opportunity of showing on which side your real sympathies and your confidence are enlisted. [_He goes round with the straw hat, which his delighted audience fill liberally with the coppers that the previous speaker has ignominiously failed to extract from them. But the tender-hearted Reader may be relieved to hear that, as soon as the crowd has dispersed, the victor shares the proceeds of his eloquence in the handsomest manner with his adversary, who shows a true elevation of mind in betraying no abiding resentment at his oratorical defeat. So may all such contests terminate--as, for that matter, they generally do._ * * * * * "THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING." (_A Farce which is running in most of the London Theatres, but which should not be tolerated for a single Night._) SCENE--_Auditorium of the T. R.----during the performance of a Modern Comedy. Enter a party of four_ Playgoers _into private box_. _First Playgoer._ Rather a pity it has begun! I always like to see a play from first to last. Don't you? _Second P._ Quite. So much more interesting. Of course if you don't catch what they say at first, how on earth can you catch the idea of the plot?