"Pooh!" sniffed the Strong-minded Woman. "It will _spread_. Read Mr. H. FOWLER'S Bill, and Dr. ALFRED RUSSEL WALLACE'S _Woman and Natural Selection_; put this and that together, and perpend!" "The Penny Phonograph," pursued Mr. Oracle PUNCH, "is now prodigiously patronised. For the popular penny you can hear an American band, a Chevalier coster ballad, the 'Charge of the Light Brigade,' a comic song by 'Little TICH,' or a speech by the Old Man eloquent. No; for the latter I believe they charge twopence. That _is_ fame, my Pantagruelian Premier. But in _my_ Funograph--charge the unchangeable Threepence--you can hear the very voice of Wisdom and Wit, of Humanity and Humour, of Eloquence and Essential Truth, of Music and of Mirth!" "Hear! hear! hear!" chorussed everybody. "You _shall_ hear!" said the Oracle. "Stand round, all of you, and adjust your ear-tubes! DIONYSIUS'S EAR was not an aural 'circumstance' (as your countryman would say, CLEVELAND) compared with this. _Vox, et præterea nihil_, indeed!" "_Nihil_--or Nihilism," growled the Trafalgar Square Anarchist, "is the burden of the _vox populi_ of to-day----" "_Vox diaboli_, you mean," interrupted the great Funographer, sternly. "And there is no opening for that _vox_ here. Shut up! You are here, misguided mischief-maker, not to spout murderously dogmatic negation, but to listen and--I hope--learn!" "I trust you have guidance for me," murmured gentle but anxious-faced Charity. "It would, like my ministrations, be most seasonable--as Father Christmas could tell you--for between my innumerable claims, and my contradictory 'multitude of counsellors,' my friends and enemies, my gushingly indiscriminate enthusiasts, and my arid, hide-bound 'organisers,' I was never, my dear Mr. PUNCH, so completely puzzled in my life." "Sweet lady," responded the Oracle, with gentle gravity, "there is guidance here for _all_ who will listen; heavenly Charity and diabolic Anarchy, eloquent Statesmanship and adventurous Enterprise, scared Capital and clamorous Labour, fogged Finance and self-assertive Femininity; for the motley and many-voiced Utopia-hunters who fancy they see imminent salvation in Imperial Pomp or Parochial Pump, in Constitutional Clubs or County Councils, in Home Rule, Primrose Leagues, or the Living Wage, in Democracy or in Dynamite, in High Art or Mahatmas, in Science or in Spooks. Take your places, Ladies and Gentlemen! Charity first, if you please, with Father Christmas to her right, leaving room for the little New Year on her left. Listen all, and learn by the various voices of that many-cylindered, marvellous Funographic Machine, my ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTH VOLUME!" [Illustration] * * * * * PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 105, JULY 8th 1893 _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * THE HEALTH SEEKER'S VADE MECUM. (_Revised up to Date._)