SIR,--Owing to the Death Duties, I am no longer a rich man, but I have a little house in Piccadilly, not more than a twopenny 'bus ride from Charing Cross. It has occurred to me that some hungry working-man might like to drop in to a quiet little dinner some night. I am a Duke, therefore I say, comrades in depression, you are welcome to my roof, if it's of any use to you. I can dine a hundred or so of you any or every night. All I stipulate for is that there shall be no speaking, for speaking bores me horribly. D-V-NSH-RE. * * * * * [Illustration: A TOWN MOUSE. _Jones._ "WELL, MY LITTLE MAN, WHAT ARE _you_ THINKING ABOUT?" _London Boy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before)._ "I'M THINKIN' IT'S TIME YER MOTHER PUT YER INTO _Trousers_!"] * * * * * LOWERED! Rates, rates, rates, Of an exigent L. C. C.! And I'm glad they can't hear the language We utter so frequentlee! O well for the excellent Chairman For trying to reduce them a bit! O well for those Councillors wary Who on costly "improvements" sit! And "demand-notes" still go on, And our pockets are steadily bled; But "O (we oft sigh) for a tenpenny rate, And the sins of a 'Board' that is dead!" Rates, rates, rates! Thanks, men of the L. C. C.! We trust the farthing now taken off Will never go back to ye! * * * * * "AFTER THE HEALTH CONGRESS IS OVER." SCENE--_A Ball Room at the Mansion House._ _He. (resting)._ Good floor, isn't it? _She._ Quite. But tell me, have you been attending the Congress? _He._ Of course; that is why I received an invitation to-night. _She._ And you found the lectures and all that most interesting? _He._ Yes, very; and then there were the Opera and the theatres in the evening. _She._ But do let us talk about the Congress. Did you not discuss sanitation? _He._ Discussed it very much indeed. So fortunate too that we had the meeting before everybody had left town. _She._ Yes. But did you not inquire into microbes and all that? _He._ Certainly; had a lot of talk about them, and finished them all up just in time not to interfere with Goodwood. _She._ And I suppose you found out the way to keep everyone in perfect health? _He._ That was the idea, and yet we floored Lords and the Oval. _She._ But oughtn't every town to be in a satisfactory condition? _He._ Why, yes. But that depends upon the season of the year. Of course, some places are deadly dull when nothing's going on from a social point of view. _She._ I mean from a health point of view--oughtn't everything nowadays to be simply excellent? _He._ Yes, of course. That's the modern theory. _She._ And yet, according to the papers, London is full of fever and insanity. _He._ I daresay; the Press men generally get their figures right.