[Illustration: THINGS THAT ARE SAID. "NOW, MAJOR DO YOUR VERY BEST TO COME TO US ON TUESDAY. I SHALL EXPECT YOU. BUT IF YOU _CAN'T_ COME, OF COURSE I SHALL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!"] * * * * * CROSSED! (_To a Girl at a Distance._) Why must you go four thousand miles away? It throws our correspondence out of gear! I cannot cable to you ev'ry day-- It's much too public, and it's rather dear! You write for sympathy--I sympathise; You get my answer ten days after date, And then, with spirits sky-high, you despise My poor attempts your sorrow to abate! Meanwhile, to my hilarious last-but-one Here comes your late but similar reply; But now _my_ turn at dumps has just begun-- I can't enjoy your triumphs while I sigh! And so our moods go see-saw, up and down, Our letters cross, perversely cold or fond! There's only one redress--come back to town, And then we'll _meet_, and cease to correspond! * * * * * THE MUSIC WITH A FUTURE. (_An Imaginary Sketch of How Things can not Possibly be Done._) SCENE--_The Composing Room of an_ Illustrious Musician. _The_ Illustrious Musician _discovered deep in thought in front of a Piano._ _Illustrious Musician_ (_picking out the notes with one finger_). "Dumty dumty, dumty dum dum." No, that isn't it! I am sure I had it just now. (_Tries again._) "Dumty dumty, dumty dum dum." No, that's not it either! I must try it again--oh, of course, with Herr VON BANGEMNÖT. Now to summon him. (_Blows trumpet_). That ought to bring my _aide-de-camp_. [_Flourish of trumpets, drums; doors thrown open, and enter a Regiment of Infantry, with its full complement of officers._ _Colonel_ (_saluting_). Your Majesty required assistance? _I. M._ (_considering_). Yes, I knew I wanted something. Oh, to be sure. Will you please send Herr VON BANGEMNÖT to me at once. _Colonel_ (_saluting_). Yes, your Majesty. (_To troops._) Right about turn. [_Flourish of trumpets, drums. The Regiment retires. Enter_ Herr VON BANGEMNÖT. _Herr Von Bangemnöt_ (_making obeisance_). Your Majesty required my assistance? _I. M._ Well, scarcely that, old Double Bass. The fact is, I've just composed a very pleasing trifle, but I can't write it down for the life of me. Would you like to hear it? _H. V. B._ Certainly, your Majesty. I shall be overjoyed. _I. M._ Well, it goes like this--"Dumty dumty, dumty dum dum." See. "Dumty dumty, dumty dum dum." Now, _you_ repeat it. _H. V. B._ (_who has been listening intently_). "Dumty dumty--dum dum." _I. M._ (_interrupting_). No, no; you've got it all wrong. See here, "Dumty dumty, dumty dum dum." _H. V. B._ (_in an ecstacy_). "Dumpty dumpty, dumpty dum dum." Perfectly charming! It is really excellent! _I. M._ (_pleased, but suspicious_). You really think it good? _H. V. B._ Good! that isn't the word for it. Excellent! first rate! capital!