DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I trust you will give me the hospitality of your columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive advertising) to announce that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this for several reasons. In the first place, as I have no more chance in any one place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make any choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be an unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will come forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself everywhere. My views are extensive, not to say peculiar. On the religious question, I agree with everything that has been said by everybody. I hope in this way to avoid incurring _odium theologicum_ of any kind. I am in favour of no one paying rates unless he has children actually at a Board School. I am told that this will not secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at any rate, to rally to my side all the "intelligent and respectable." On all other points I believe I am well fitted to sit on the London School Board. I understand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are sometimes the order of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow it frankly, will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote of every patriotic citizen, I am, Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date, _October 27._ WOTTOL ARK. * * * * * [Illustration: "HE'S HAPPY NOW." ["A CONSTANT READER'S" favourite craze is now being discussed in all the papers.] "I AM SO GLAD THIS SUBJECT IS BEING THOROUGHLY VENTILATED. IT MUST BE DOING SO MUCH GOOD AMONG THE YOUNG."] * * * * * MAY_E_NNAISE _v._ MAY_O_NNAISE: A REJOINDER. My poor Mayonnaise, they have sullied your fame! They would alter your spelling, my sweet Mayonnaise. The younger DUMAS has _e-mended_ your name And sent you forth "o"-less the rest of your days. So this man of romances--this writer of plays-- Who has woven full many a plot in his time-- Would force us to spell you henceforth May_e_nnaise. Nay! _this_ is a plot little short of a crime! 'Twill make not an atom of diff'rence to me. The younger DUMAS may discourse as he will; He's welcome, with _Weller_, to "spell with a 'wee'"-- To me and the world you are May_o_nnaise still. He says, at the time when the city Mayenne Was besieged by an army and riddled with shot, Your charms were acknowledged and praised by the men. _Was that army not led by Sir Thomas de Rot?_ Say, Queen of the Sauces, which vow'l shall it be? Will you yield up the name your admirers bestow? Pronounce--while your lover is down on _an "E"_-- Is it that which you choose? Is it yes? or _a "NO"?_ * * * This correspondence must now cease.--ED.