_Clerk._ The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of the journey--quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages--and oysters were rather dear just then--a little out of season. _Auditor_ (_after a guffaw_). Capital! "Out of season"--out of reason, too, _I_ should say. Of course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis. Really, I'm enjoying myself immensely! _Clerk_ (_gloomily_). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at your report. Do you mean seriously---- _Auditor._ Seriously! Not a bit of it. I tell you I'm a comic character. And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little personal luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of "Visits to Olympia by Corporation to inspect the lighting arrangements," and "Ditto at Empire and Alhambra Theatres." No doubt the Aldermen will be glad to pay for them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. Lunch? No, thanks. A screaming joke like this is lunch enough for me. [_Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit._ * * * * * CANT _v._ CANT. If "want of decency is want of sense," So want of sense may very likely lead To want of decency. The poor pretence Of interested vice sense will not heed. A satyr's satire is but sorry stuff; Anti-Cant's canting is most sickening fudge. Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff, Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge. Protests against the pryings of the prude Are not to help the profitably lewd. * * * * * THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. (_By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend._) HOW TO ENTER THE CIVIL SERVICE. In the good old days of yore there was little trouble in obtaining admission to the Civil Service. All that was necessary was a slight knowledge of a Cabinet Minister, and a smattering of schooling. The latter might be obtained at Eton, Winchester, Rugby, Westminster, or Harrow. The acquaintance of the Minister, of course, had to be made by your father. You were too young to have attracted the attention of so important a personage. Suppose you had reached the mature age of eighteen, and had given up the round jackets and collars of boyhood, and had assumed "stick-ups" and "cutaways," your father would probably ask you "What you intended to do next?" "No, my dear fellow," would be the paternal reply to a suggestion about Trinity or Christ Church. "I am afraid I can't manage either. You see, your two elder brothers went to the University, but then we could find _them_ family livings. It would be useless to let you read for the Bar, because we haven't any of us married into a single firm of Solicitors; and in these hard times I really can't afford to buy you a commission." You would notice _sotto voce_ that when ways and means were being discussed, times were always hard.