I don't know exactly what the Great Man said to the Brigadier, but expect it was much the same as the C.O. said to us and we to the section-commanders. I doubt if the section-commanders said anything nice to the private, but no doubt the latter knew by instinct that this was an occasion upon which he might with impunity, but only once in a way, step slightly aside from the straight and narrow path. I guess, my dear Charles, that it is only the _second_ inspection to which you, as representing the ignorant public, are invited. The forty-eight hours' leave (by way of reward or for convalescence) which ensued I spent with my wife. With feminine perversity she at once started inspecting my moustache, one of the most astonishing productions of these astonishing times. "Say what you please now," said I, quite imperturbable. "At the next inspection you'll find yourself remarking that it is the best disciplined and equipped moustache you have ever seen." And so it is. Yours ever, HENRY. * * * * * TO A GERMAN GEOGRAPHER. If mid your foolish change of names Your ruler takes it ill That, spoiling all his cherished aims, Calais is Calais still, Sir, there's a name supremely pat Lies ready to your hand; Call it, and let it rest at that, The Never Never Land. * * * * * "There is a curious discrepancy in the reports of the Kaiser's New Year message to his forces that have reached London." _Irish Times._ The KAISER has been misled. They have not reached London. * * * * * ACQUIRING POLISH. [Illustration: _A_ AS IN "CAR." _E_ LIKE FRENCH "UN."] [Illustration: _I_ SOMEWHAT LIKE THE "E" IN "SELF," WITH A VERY INDISTINCT "M" OR "N" FOLLOWING IT.] [Illustration: _U_ AND _O_ LIKE "OO."] [Illustration: _RZ_ AND _Z_ LIKE THE FRENCH "J" IN "JOUR," BUT AFTER "K," "P," "T," OR AT THE END OF A WORD, LIKE "SH."] [Illustration: THERE ARE FOUR SOUNDS SOMEWHAT DIFFICULT TO FOREIGNERS: ['C], ['S], ['Z], ['N] ---- AS YOU WERE.] [Illustration: THE ACCENT INVARIABLY FALLS, ETC.----.] * * * * * THE CRANK'S COMPLAINT. (_On seeing Mr. HENRY NEWBOLT'S name in the New Year's Honour List_). Because his verses always aim, With one unwearying design, At adding lustre to the fame Achieved by Britain on the brine; Because they fail to satisfy The sex-besotted catechist-- It very nearly makes me cry To see him in the Honour List. Because he holds in high respect The knightly courtesies of war, Does not bow down to intellect, And steeps himself in FROISSART'S lore; Because he bids us play the game And not the super-egotist-- I do not care to see his name Included in the Honour List.