Lecturing to a juvenile audience Professor ARTHUR KEITH said that there was no difference between detectives and scientists, and some of the older boys are still wondering whether he was trying to popularise science or to discredit detective stories. *** Germans cannot now obtain footwear, it is reported, without a permit card. Nevertheless we know a number of them who are assured of getting the boot without any troublesome formalities. *** Burglars have stolen eighteen ducks from the estate of BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. It will be interesting to note how their defence--that "Necessity knows no law"--is received by the distinguished advocate of the invasion of Belgium. *** "Taxicab drivers must expect a very low standard of intoxication to apply to them," said the Lambeth magistrate last week. On the other hand the police should be careful not to misinterpret the air of light-hearted devilry that endeared the "growler" to the hearts of an older generation. *** It is stated that £2,250,000 has been sent by Germany into Switzerland to raise the exchanges. A much larger sum, according to Mr. PUTNAM, was sent into the United States merely to raise the wind. *** Referring to the Highland regiments a _Globe_ writer says, "The streets of London will reel with the music of the pipes when they come back." This is one of those obstacles to peace that has been overlooked by the KAISER. * * * * * [Illustration: PRIVATE SLOGGER, JUST ARRIVED WITH LAST DRAFT AND ON GUARD DUTY FOR FIRST TIME, FORGETS HIMSELF WHEN THE COLONEL APPEARS ACCOMPANIED BY HIS DAUGHTER.] * * * * * VIENNA-BOUND: A REVERIE EN ROUTE. [A Wireless Press telegram says: "The German Imperial train has reached Constantinople in order to transport the Sultan to Vienna, to take part in the conference of Sovereigns to be held there."] I hate all trains and told them so; I said that I should much prefer (Being, as Allah knows, no traveller) To stick to Stamboul and the _status quo_. They said, "If you would rather walk, Pray do so; it will save the fare;" Which shows that WILLIAM (who will take the Chair) Insists that I shall come and hear him talk. I've never tried a train before; It makes me sick; it knocks my nerves; The noises and the tunnels and the curves Add a new horror to the woes of war. What am I here for, anyhow? I'm summoned for appearance' sake, To nod approval at the Chief, but take No further part in his one-man pow-wow. My job is just to sit, it seems, And act the silent super's _rôle_, The while I wish myself, with all my soul, Safe back in one or more of my hareems. I'd let the Conference go hang; Any who likes can have my pew And play at peace-talk with this pirate crew, WILLIAM and KARL and FERDIE--what a gang!