We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek, and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's championship record. I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly punctured!... Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind. Yours always, PETER. * * * * * [Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!" _Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."] * * * * * "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_. We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual. * * * * * "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are sick.".--_Parish Magazine_. No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous. * * * * * "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face value."--_Daily News_. "'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said." * * * * * "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_. Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate. * * * * * THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS. No. I. _From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington Hall, Bucks._ DEAR MRS. MORTON,--Just a line to thank you very sincerely for my delightful visit. It was like old times to see you "all gathered together in hospitable Dockington and to find that the War, terrible as it is, has not altogether abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons. I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of departure this morning I took away the wrong umbrella and left my own. I am sending back the changeling with all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children. Yours always sincerely, ARTHUR VIVIAN. No. II. _From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. Morton._