"Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 Germans; limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds military hospital."--_Bazaar_. * * * * * "The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer _Spyros_ lacks confirmation."--_Daily Telegraph_. We always had our doubts about the report. * * * * * "Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with the goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely recognized that it was bad policy to kill him."--_G.B. Shaw in "The Times_." Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away from the sex-problem. * * * * * FREMDENBLATT.--Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day that the Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they rejected Germany's terms."--_Daily Paper_. But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a sling. * * * * * [Illustration: AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK. BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE.] * * * * * HIS MASTER'S VOICE. FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION. I am the White House typewriter! I am the Voice of the People And then some! I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends, All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, Who has a megaphone of his own. I am the soul of a great free people! Hence the _vers libre_ Which breathes the spirit of Democracy Because anybody can do it. Who secured a second term of office for my master, President WILSON? Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General HARRISON GRAY OTIS? It was not. It was I! Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS. I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as useless as Senator WORKS, But as my master only works me with one thumb (For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away) I do very nicely. And when it comes to throwing the bull I am the real Peruvian doughnuts. I was new once, but obscure, Wasting my freshness on a _Life of Jefferson_ (extinct) And a _History of the United States_, Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial newspapers Along with _Dainty Diapers_ and _Why I Love the Movies_, by MARY PICKFORD. I am the Defender of Liberties! Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again; Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British Navy threatened to interfere with business. Next to Mr. LANSING, Who is said to use a Blickensderfer, I am the hottest little protester in Protestville, And in consequence nobody loves me, Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST; Nor even _The Spectator_, Which never did like Democrats, anyway.