[The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."] On footer fields two goals are situated, One, as a rule, at either end: This for attack (in front) is indicated, And this (to rearward) you defend; In your remark projected on the screen You don't say which you mean. If you refer to ours in that ambiguous And filmy phrase, why then you lie; And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous To our objective by-and-by, But for the present, though the end is sure, Your statement's premature. In fact--to follow up the sporting image In which you "reach the appointed goal"-- With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage Forward and back the fight will roll, Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line (This represents the Rhine). Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring, And wish the call of Time were blown, To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring Gratuitously on his own, You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw) To make the thing a draw. Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last, Not having checked those breaches with his whistle, He wants to blow the final blast; Time will be called, I fancy, when the score Suits us, and not before. O.S. * * * * * HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. (_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_). _The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say? _The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking? _The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER. _The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away. _The King._ Is that you, WILLIE? _The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time. _The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum. _The Kaiser._ A what? _The King._ An Ultimatum. _The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say. _The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time? _The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it. _The King._ Well. _The Kaiser._ Well. _The King._ What do you think about it? _The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse for them. _The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a regular ultimatissimum. _The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do? _The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.