"You see now why the match has to be played so far away from home. If it were Kent v. Middlesex at Lord's, for example, there would be loads of Kentish men on the ground. But not so many up in the North. "I always wonder why the captain does not begin in the Pavilion, but he does not. He comes straight to the ring. Every moment he is drawing nearer and no one has offered himself; and then at last he gets to me and I stand up and say that Kent is my county and I can play a bit and would like to help. He hastens to accept my offer, and I take his bat and pads and gloves and go to the pitch, amid the cheers of the crowd. "At the wicket I am received with hearty greetings by the rival captain (this is a dream, remember), and I take middle. Then I look round the field with perfect composure, as I have always seen the best batsmen do, and have always wanted to do myself. I am the coolest thing there. "The situation is electrical. Six runs are needed and I am the last man. The bowler against me is a demon and I am dead out of practice and by no means fond of being hit on the body. He begins his run towards the wicket, and the ball leaves his terrible long swinging arm and comes towards me like a shell. I raise my bat, get it on the half-volley right in the middle, hit it clean over the Pavilion for six, and the match is won. "That is my favourite dream." "No wonder," we said. * * * * * [Illustration: _Mother_. "GEORGE WERE ALWAYS A TURRIBLE ONE TO CLEAN 'ISSELF; BUT THE ARMY DO SEEM TO 'AVE MADE UN WORSE." _Father_. "AH! 'E GIVES WAY TO IT."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Gambler's Wife (after reading result of the Derby)_. "TAKE THE PARROT OUTSIDE, NELLIE. THE MASTER WILL BE HOME DIRECTLY AFTER THE HORSE HE BACKED HAS COME IN LAST."] * * * * * BUSINESS AS USUAL. Rolling stones like Edward Ross Never gather any moss. He was one of those who think it's Easier to gather trinkets-- Silver watch or golden chain, Purse or bag or châtelaine; So that at the age of thirty, Though his clothes were old and dirty, Yet there were no flies upon Edward, as you'll see anon. Just before the Mons Retreat He emerged upon the street From His Majesty's Hotel, Where they'd kept him safe and well, Gratis. But, in spite of this, Ted Caught the fever and enlisted. 'Twas our gallant pocket-sniper's Fate to find himself at Wipers, And because he showed no fear He was made a pioneer. For the very sight of wire Always set his soul afire (We are bound by early habits-- It reminded him of rabbits); If the Huns but showed an inch of it Teddy took what he could pinch of it, Which was all, for, as I've said, Flies were not at home on Ted. Once our friend, by sad mishap, Fell into a German sap, And, on rising to depart, Found a pistol at his heart. Feeling almost at a loss, "Kamerad!" said Edward Ross.