Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 159. December 1st, 1920. CHARIVARIA. ACCORDING to _The Evening News_, lambs have already put in an appearance in Dorset. People who expect the POET LAUREATE to rush to the spot will be bitterly disappointed. * * * "What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in _The Daily Mail_. We never answer these personal questions. * * * The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase _The Autobiography of Margot Asquith_. It would just serve them right if the publisher sent them a copy. * * * Sir R. BADEN-POWELL recently declared that men contemplating matrimony would do well to notice whether their prospective brides gave an inside or an outside tread. We still maintain that the safest course is to remain single and not be trodden on either way. * * * The report that a British soldier has recently discovered a genuine specimen of a small war, in which Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL had no hand whatever, is now regarded as untrustworthy. * * * A Scotsman knocked down by a car in New York was given a glass of water and quickly regained consciousness. He is now making inquiries concerning the number of times one has to be knocked down in order to get a drop of spirit. * * * Sea-gulls have been observed near the Willesden public parks. It is assumed that they didn't know it was Willesden. * * * A clothing firm advertises suits to fit any figure. It is not known what eventually happened to the man who asked them to supply him with a suit for a figure round about thirty shillings. * * * An express train recently crashed through the closed gates of a level-crossing in Yorkshire. As the driver did not pull up in order to see what damage he had done, it is supposed that he was originally a motorist. * * * Another walk from London to Brighton is being organised. It is hoped that this habit will ultimately bring down the high cost of travelling. * * * The Hammersmith Council, says a news item, has placed an order for tiles in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke at the Sandringham hat. * * * "Trade combinations," declares Sir ROBERT HORNE, "are not responsible for the increased cost of living." We agree. The struggle for our last shilling between the dogged-as-does-it butcher and the grocer who never knows when he is beaten is _a outrance_. * * * Next year is Census year, and people are kindly requested to be born early in order to avoid the rush at the last moment. * * * A new bathing-suit invented by an official of the Royal Army Clothing Department is claimed to make drowning impossible. It is said to fill a long-felt want among young kittens. * * *