But sometimes through her open lips A horrid little creature slips Which simply will not go; And that annoys the poor old girl; It means she has to make a pearl-- It _irritates_, you know; So, crooning some small requiem, She turns the thing into a gem. And when I meet the wives of Earls With lovely necklaces of pearls It makes me see quite red; For every jewel on the chain Some patient oyster had a pain And had to stay in bed. To think what millions men can make Out of an oyster's tummy-ache! A. P. H. * * * * * "AT ---- HALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, TUES., BY AUCTION, STOCK OF A FURRIER.--CATS. FREE." _ADVT. IN DAILY PAPER._ A CASE OF ADDING INSULT TO INJURY. * * * * * [ILLUSTRATION: MICAWBER AND SON. SENILE OPTIMIST. "AND TO YOU, MY BOY, I BEQUEATH--MY LIABILITIES. MAY YOU BE WORTHY OF THEM!" JUVENILE DITTO. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SOMETHING'S SURE TO TURN UP!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. [ILLUSTRATION: AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES. _MR. LLOYD GEORGE (CHAIRMAN)._ "YOU'VE WORKED SPLENDIDLY UP TO CHRISTMAS, AND IF YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT FOR THE NEW YEAR TRADE I'LL SEE IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU A GOOD LONG HOLIDAY IN THE AUTUMN." _Mr. BONAR LAW (Manager)._ "OR SOME OTHER TIME." MR. BONAR LAW, MR. LLOYD GEORGE, MR. SHORTT, MR. CHAMBERLAIN, MR. NEAL, SIR ERIC GEDDES, SIR ROBERT HORNE, MR. CHURCHILL.] _Monday, December 20th._--As the result of being tossed backwards and forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded off to-day, when the Government secured that Southern Ireland should have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether to accept or refuse the proffered Parliament, and that in the meantime only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from coming into operation. Lord MIDLETON pressed hard for a retention of the Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord CREWE, who was greatly impressed by the LORD CHANCELLOR'S reminder that within three years there must be a General Election. In the Commons Sir ROBERT HORNE performed his customary Monday dance among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined to give an estimate as to the number of British workmen unemployed owing to the importation of German goods--"no man who breathes could do it"--and judiciously evaded acceptance of Sir FREDERICK HALL'S suggestion that one reason why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Dominion contracts was that their employes worked eleven hours a day.