"DEAR MADAM,--We have no hesitation in advising you to have a bishop in your family. Few purchases give greater satisfaction. If, as you say, your late maternal grandfather was curate of Slowden, and was, as far as you are aware, a man of exemplary character, we could make him a bishop without delay. Your home being in Kent, it occurs to us that the see of Carlisle would suit the Right Reverend Prelate best. The cost of the proceedings, including a pre-dated _Conge d'Elire_, would be eight hundred guineas. An archbishopric would be slightly more expensive and, in our opinion, less suitable." "Amazing," I said. "But so simple. Here is a letter from a man who wants to have had forbears in the Navy. We say:-- "'Naturally it would have been an advantage for your son, whom you destine for the Navy, to have had relations in that service. But it is not too late to remedy this defect. "'By virtue of the powers conferred upon us by Act of Parliament (Ancestry Act, 1922), we are prepared to give your sometime great-great-uncle William, who, according to family tradition, always wanted to go to sea, a commission in the Navy, and the rank of lieutenant, together with appointment to any ship of the line--with the exception of the _Victory_--which fought under Lord NELSON. The making out the commission will be put in hand on the receipt of your cheque for three hundred guineas.'" "Do you always give satisfaction?" "Occasionally we have to disappoint people. For instance, this letter to a lady at Plymouth:-- "'We fear we cannot grant your request to reserve a berth on the _Mayflower_ for your delightful ancestress, Mrs. Patience Loveday. The _Mayflower_ is already overcrowded, and, owing to some ill-feeling raised in America, we decided to resign all interest in the vessel. Should you desire some other form of Puritan distinction how would you like to provide yourself with a non-juring clergyman as an ancestor? We could present any suitable departed member of your family to a Crown living, and supply you with an order of ejectment, dated the anniversary of St. Bartholomew's Day, 1662.'" "Judging from the address on this letter, 'X. O'Finny, Esq.,' your jurisdiction extends to Ireland?" "Yes, Mr. O'Finny wants some persecuted ancestors. We offer to supply him with a member of his family condemned to be beheaded by order of QUEEN ELIZABETH, price one thousand, which includes a replica of the Great Seal of England; or, to have another member shot by order of CROMWELL, at half the price; or a sentence of hanging in '98. This would be three hundred only. We advise him to take the complete set at a reduction, and have no doubt we shall come to terms." "Have you anything more expensive?" I asked timidly.