1. Imprimis, illi ducunt ad usum _Gradûs ad Parnassum_; et, interrogo, quis liber potest comparare cum eo vel in elegantiâ styli, vel in copiositate verborum, vel in vero genio auctoris? Sum inclinatus cogitare ut auctor erat, in realitate, BACONIUS ipse; et si ita, id est alium exemplum quomodo Latini versus auxiliant homines scandere ad nobilissimas positiones in Statu. 2. Secundo loco, docent fraternum amorem inter pueros; quia quum unus socius est stumpatus pro verbo, alius donat illi correctum tippum, sub rosâ. 3. Tertium quid (non _quid_ tobacconis!--Vide effectum, "habitûs contorquendi et vertendi"!)--Versus elevant mentem, et associant nos cum grandibus auctoribus præteriti, ut OVIDIO, TIBULLO, et CAREYO. Quomodo possum noscere, nisi per "Gradum," ut _Amor_ est "dulcis, blandus, jucundus, suavis," et eodem tempore "flagrans, acer, fervidus, indomitus, vigilans," etc.? 4. Quarto, discimus synonymos, sic utiles ad publicos homines (non homines _publicanos_, intelligis! "Habitus contorquendi" iterum). Si Magister GLADSTONE non fecisset Latinos versus ut juvenis, non posset nunc donare viginti differentia nomina pro unâ re. Finaliter, si Latini versus sunt missi ad Jerichonem, _ubi erit Ludus Westminsterensis_ in futuro? Nullum alium argumentum est necessarium. Maneo tuus, ANTI-BRAMWELLIUS ACADEMICUS. * * * * * A Correspondent draws _Mr. Punch's_ attention to an advertisement in a Cheltenham paper, from which this is an extract:-- "QUINCE JAM.--Prepared from Quinces, supposed by many to be the 'Forbidden Fruit.' This hitherto almost unknown luxury is much appreciated by those who have tried it." Hasn't the enterprising and, of course, very old-established firm which advertises this luxury any recommendation in writing from "The fairest of her daughters," EVE? If so, let them produce the papyrus. * * * * * The last Christmas Cards to arrive, are TAYLOR FOOT'S "Merry Thoughts," &c., from Poland Street,--they're behind time; so very slow a-foot in coming. As practical jokes, the mince-pie cards are uncommonly good, and indeed the sham may be substituted for the real, by a mince pi-ous fraud allowable at Christmas time. * * * * * [Illustration: STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL. _Grandpapa._ "AH, JOHNNY! THERE ARE FEW BETTER THINGS THAN IRISH STEW!" _Johnny._ "WHAT ARE THE FEW BETTER THINGS, GRANDPA?"] * * * * * UNEMPLOYED. _A Christmas Carol for the Comfortable Classes._ Old Father Christmas came once more, His eye was bright if his hair was hoar, And the old old gifts on his back he bore. With the old loved legend now as then The pleasantest ever inscribed by pen-- "Peace upon earth, goodwill to men." What was it the good old greybeard saw?-- War's iron teeth, greed's gaping jaw, And shaken order and broken law.