PIPING TIMES FOR THE EMPIRE.--The bagpipes were not heard playing, "_The Campbells are Coming_," at the relief of Lucknow. Why? Because the regiment hadn't got any. The regimental bagpipes were first introduced by Mr. BOUCICAULT, in his drama of _The Relief of Lucknow_ (that was the subject, whatever the name might have been) at Astley's. Miss AMY ROSELLE'S recitation of the thrilling story specially written for her by Mr. SAVILE CLARKE is most dramatic, and thrills the audience at the Empire. The journalistic discussion, as to the pipes, comes in very appropriately, and will assist to raise the wind and pay the piper. This recitation, is a great "Relief" to the ordinary Music-hall entertainments, and the Empire has "Luck now." * * * * * "PROPRIA QUÆ MARIBUS." PENTHESILEA straddling on the pigskin? Surely a male biped need not dwell In a prejudiced pedantic prig's skin, Not to like that prospect passing well. CARLYLE, who scoffed at Man, had deemed it caddish To picture _Woman_ as "a mere forked radish." Dear Diana after hounds a riding Like--a clothes-peg on a clothes-line? Nay! Rub out all unnatural laws dividing Sex from sex,--'tis the World's drift to-day. Let ladies mount the 'bus, or Hansom Cab it, But let not custom new banish old Habit. Paint, write poems, pose as prandial wit, Ma'am, Perorate upon the public platform; Even in the County Council sit, Ma'am, If Law lets you, and your taste takes that form; But take _Punch's_ tip, and do not straddle; Stick to common-sense and the side-saddle. * * * * * Lines on the Labour Conference. [Illustration] The youthful German Emperor may try By Socialistic plans to prop his rule. Some think 'twill all result in a great cry, And little (Berlin) wool. Still, all good souls will wish young WILLIAM luck. The Teutons may not relish Swiss suggestion, But anyhow it shows the Emperor's pluck In handling _Berne_-ing questions. * * * * * _Q._ Shall Privates in uniform be admitted to the stalls and boxes in theatres? _A._ Certainly, if covered with "Orders." Private Boxes henceforth will be Boxes for Privates. * * * * * [Illustration: WEATHER STUDIES. "ONLY A FACE AT A WINDOW!" | "ONLY A FACE--NOTHING MORE!"] * * * * * "GRANDOLPHO FURIOSO!" _Mr. Punch loquitur:--_ "Begone brave army, don't kick up a row!"-- GRANDOLPHO mine, it were sheer superfluity For you to _bid_ your forces scatter _now_. The troopers two, of curious incongruity, With the long drummer, and the fifer short, That formed the old stage-army were more numerous Than is your following. You have given us sport In many scenes, but this is hardly humorous.