Land pirates from Guatemala foiled, owing to valiant English _Punch_-Prophet. Army when reduced to last biscuit, fed on racing intelligence. Captain-General sustained nature on white native plant called _Tehp_, much used by Indian tribe of _Estar-ting-prisahs_. My body-guard performed prodigies on _Thenod_, the well-known root of the _Cuff_ plant. Have adopted you as my grandson. (_Signed_) Ezeta, _President_. That is sufficient for one week. Those who wish for more in the meantime, must call at my residence. * * * * * THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. (_BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH._) _AN ENGINEER OFFICER, R.N., INTRODUCED._ _The Commissioner_. Sorry to see you here, Sir, as your presence argues that you have a right to demand redress. [Illustration] _Engineer Officer, R.N._ I think, Sir, that we have a genuine grievance is almost universally conceded. But, as our labours and responsibilities have increased enormously of late years, perhaps you will kindly allow me to describe our duties. _The Com._ By all means. _En. Of., R.N._ As the matter is of the greatest importance to fourteen hundred officers, commanding ten thousand men, I hope you will not consider me tedious in making the following statement. The success of every function of the modern battle-ship depends upon machinery for which the Engineer officers are directly responsible. By its means the anchor is lifted, boats are hoisted, the ship is steered, ventilated, and electrically lighted. Pure drinking water is supplied for its hundreds of inhabitants. The efficiency of all the elaborate arrangements of the hull for safety in collision, fire, or battle, depends upon the Engineers. Their machinery trains and elevates, loads and controls the heavy guns. The use of the Whitehead torpedo and all its appliances would be an impossibility without the Engineers. In addition to this there is the propulsion of the ship, and the control and supervision of a large staff of artificers and men. And yet the Engineer officers are the lowest paid class of commissioned officers in the Royal Navy--this when, without exaggeration, they may be described as the hardest-worked. _The Com._ It certainly seems unfair that officers of your importance should not receive ampler remuneration. When was the rate established? _En. Of., R.N._ It has seen little change since 1870; and you may judge of its justice when I tell you that a young Surgeon of twenty-three, appointed to his first ship, receives more pay than many Engineer officers who have seen fourteen years' service, and have reached the age of thirty-five. _The Com._ I am decidedly of opinion that your pay should be increased, and I suppose (as evidently there has been "class feeling" in the matter) you have had to suffer annoyance anent relative rank?