IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. "_Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you_;" i.e., "I wasn't listening." "_I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c._;" i.e., "You are now flatly contradicting yourself." * * * * * DISCIPLINE! (A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES--NOT LICENSED FOR REPRESENTATION.) SCENE I.--THE BARRACK SQUARE. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING INSPECTION. _Captain_ (_to Subaltern_). Have you proved them? _Subaltern_. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and it is useless labour. _Capt._ Very well--I daresay they are right. You know we have been told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection--port arms! [Illustration] _Sergeant_ (_stepping forward, and saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their rifles? _Capt._ Certainly. (_To Subaltern_). Take the rear rank, while I look after the front. _Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet. They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be all right then. _Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms. Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places? _Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir. _Capt._ Well, then, read the orders. _Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and don't want to listen to no orders. _Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances) with the formality. Anything more? _Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on guard, Sir. _Capt._ March them off, then. _Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you. _Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what is it? _Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache. _Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor. _Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure myself. _Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._) And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want? _Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do sentry-go so soon. _Capt._ Well, you know your orders. _Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War Office if there's any row about it! [The Privates salute, and retire. _Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant? _Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything. _Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss! [They dismiss. SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS TO ADVANCE. _Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!