"And I am thinking of a plan For artificial hens, And automatic dairy-maids, And self-propelling pens." "Such things are stale," I made reply, "They're old, and flat, and thin. Tell me the last thing in your pate, Or I will cave it in!" His accents mild took up the tale: He said, "I've tried to make A sirloin out of turnips, and A vegetable steak." I shook him well, from side to side, To stimulate his brain; "You've got some newer dodge," I cried, "And that you must explain." He said, "I always willingly Do anything to please. What do you say to growing grapes That taste like strawberr-ees! They're showing off at Chiswick now, As I a sinner am, Some big black Hamburgs which, when pressed, Taste just like raspberry jam." So now whene'er I drink a glass Of wine that seems like rum, Or peel myself an orange that Reminds me of a plum, Or if I come across a peach With flavour like a bilberry, I weep, for it reminds me so Of Chiswick's Grape and Dahlia Show, And that 'cute man I used to know, Who could at will transform a sloe Into a thing with the aro- -ma of all fruits known here below, From apricot to mulberry. * * * * * NATIVE GROWTH. According to a case about oysters--instead of a case, it ought to have been a barrel--heard before Mr. Alderman WILKIN,--and as the case may be still _sub-Aldermanice_, we have nothing to say as to its merits or demerits,--it appears, that in September, 1889, the price of Royal Whitstable Natives was 14s. per 100; i.e., 1s. 3d. for a baker's dozen of thirteen. Though why a baker should be allowed "a little one in," be it oysters or anything else, only Heaven and the erudite Editor of _Notes and Queries_ know. But, without further allusion to the baker, who has just dropped in accidentally as he did into the conversation between _Mrs. Bardell_ and _Mrs. Cluppins_, when _Sam Weller_ joined in, and they all "got a talking," it is enough to make any oyster-lover's mouth water--no doubt the worthy Alderman's did water,--did water "like WILKIN!"--to hear that while everybody, including the worthy Alderman aforesaid, was paying 2s. 6d., and 3s., and even 3s. 6d. for real Natives, some people were gratifying their molluscous tastes at the small charge of One Shilling and Threepence for thirteen, or were getting six oysters and a half--the half be demm'd--for sixpence. Long time is it since we paid 1s. 3d. for Real Royal Natives. They may have left Whitstable at that price, but they never came to our Wits' Table at anything like that figure. Still, to the truly Christian mind it is pleasant, if not consoling, to know that some of our fellow-creatures, not generally so well-favoured as ourselves, should have been able to take advantage of the most favoured Native clause in the Oyster Season of 1889.