_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium! It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha! I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)" _Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_) * * * * * _Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?" _Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----" _Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----" ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain, and will marry her." _Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.) _Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_). _Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.) * * * * * _Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire; JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play but--Real fire." _Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats for to-morrow night?" _Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!" _Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However, I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal. * * * * * _Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S "Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears, are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play. The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early love--legitimate comedy--the better. MATADOR.