No, but I was a comic writer. He said I looked as though I had seen misfortune. If I was not a subscriber, perhaps I had been in the Penitentiary, served out a sentence at Sing Sing, or procured a divorce from my wife? I had done none of these things. I was not a member of the Legislature? No. A brilliant idea struck him. Perhaps I had been an editor? I pleaded guilty. He thought that would do--I might go in. I went in, and herewith submit to you the result of my investigations. NINE O'CLOCK.--On opening this morning, a scarcity of money was perceptible in the market. It was especially perceptible in the case of your contributor. (This is _not_ a hint that a week's salary in advance would be acceptable.) Peanuts are much sought after. (They are excellent things to pelt a fellow with.) Apples were inquired after, but upon a rumor that they were unripe, they declined several per cent. HALF PAST NINE.--The following telegram has just been received here. "METZ, August 11th. _"To His Serene Highness, the Prince of Erie, Duke of the Grand Opera House, Admiral of Narragansett, Commander of the Ninth, etc., etc., etc., Erie Palace, New York City._ "ROYAL BROTHER:--Louis has received his baptism of fire. McMAHON wept. He is training to dispute with Miss LOUISA MOORE, the proud title of the 'Champion Weepist.' "Send me the Ninth, and the flower of _Opera Bouffe_--aye, even the great SCHNEIDER--shall be thine. 'Tis France that calls--be kind. Fraternally thine own, NAP." It was at first thought that H.S.H. would accede to the Emperor's request, his recent treaty with the Court of the _Grande Duchesse_ and his diplomatic relations with the Viennoise Ballet Troupe having rendered the event far from improbable. It was also considered that the hostility which he has openly displayed towards the British Erie Protection Committee would predispose him in favor of England's natural enemy. In view of the possible departure of the Ninth, and the consequent prolongation of the European war, gold rose several degrees above freezing point. TEN O'CLOCK.--The Ninth, don't go to Europe after all. Several members of Company "K" were observed to shed tears of vexation--or joy! Here is Col. FISK'S reply. "To NAPOLEON, _(not in Berlin.)_" "EFFETE MONARCH:--Can't spare the b-hoys at any price. They're going into camp down at the 'Branch.' Besides, some of them haven't paid for their uniforms yet. With regards to Eugenie," "I am Right Royally Yours," JAS. FISK, JR. "P.S.--If a large diamond, a team of six black and white horses, a Sound steamer, or a copy of the _Tribune_, would be of any use to you, command me. I might also spare you GOULD and some of my relations in case you were very short of men, and had _some very perilous positions_ to fill up. JAMES."