Puppets at Large: Scenes and Subjects from Mr Punch's ShowAnstey, F.
General
Puppets at Large: Scenes and Subjects from Mr Punch's Show
Anstey, F.
English wit and humor
A VENDOR OF "'ORE'OUND TABLETS" (_he is a voluble young man, with
considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough lozenges as
not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller, as you
see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a lassoo-soot
as belonged to my Uncle Bill, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why, I've took
over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive you; you
may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to get two good
ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do. This
is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always bin like I
am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin' wunnerful well,
too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and went on the booze,
and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and got a berth sellin'
these 'ere Wangoo Tablets--and now I've got a neat little missus, and a
nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never a week passes but what
I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair o' noo socks. Soon as
the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf to Yarmouth. And what's
the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My Uncle Bill, as lives at
Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and a light waggon, _he's_ doin'
wunnerful well, and he'd take me into partnership to-morrow, he would.
But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's the reason I kin go on torkin' to
you like this night after night, without injury to my voice? Shall I
tell yer? Because, every night o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take
four o' these Wangoo Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take
them to the nearest doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he
_will_, and you 'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them
tablets--after your pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You
won't want no more drink, you'll find them make you come 'ome reglar
every evening, and be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to
persevere for a bit with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself,
doin' _wunnerful_ well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a
sheepish head in a pot-hat, which is visible over the back of his
stall._) Born and bred in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right_! Bin over
'ere six year, so, o' course he speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right.
Now I'm no Amerikin myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the
Amerikins are, allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at
liberty to go and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real
Amerikin invention or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right,
too! An' it stands to reason as _he_ orter know, seein' he introdooced
it 'imself and doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come
'ere to _rob_ yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now.
I give it her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told
her. Well, that just shows you what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets
_are_!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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