"If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions--go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You'll know the thing's a failure. "By day, if he should be alone-- At home or on a walk-- You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk. "But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder. "With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side-- One soon learns how to do it. "The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:-- '_First burn a blue or crimson light_' (A thing I quite forgot to-night), '_Then scratch the door or walls._'" [Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"] I said "You'll visit _here_ no more, If you attempt the Guy. I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor-- And, as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try!" "The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, _To treat him with a grave respect, And not to contradict him_." "That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met Would not so _constantly_ forget The maxim that you mention!" "Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality. [Illustration] "If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!' Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all _formal_ parleying-- And then you're _sure_ to catch it! "The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered. "That simply means 'be cut up small': Ghosts soon unite anew: The process scarcely hurts at all-- Not more than when _you're_ what you call 'Cut up' by a Review. "The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:-- _The King must be addressed as 'Sir.' This, from a simple courtier, Is all the Laws require_: "_But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as 'My Goblin King!' And always use, in answering, The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness!'_ "I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don't object, my dear, We'll try a glass of bitter beer-- I think it looks inviting." [Illustration] CANTO III. Scarmoges. "And did you really walk," said I, "On such a wretched night? I always fancied Ghosts could fly-- If not exactly in the sky, Yet at a fairish height."