Humorous stories; Valets -- Fiction; Washington (State) -- Fiction
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RUGGLES of RED GAP
By Harry Leon Wilson
1915
{Illustration: “I TAKE IT YOU FAILED TO WIN THE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR?”}
{Dedication}
TO HELEN COOKE WILSON
CHAPTER ONE
At 6:30 in our Paris apartment I had finished the Honourable George,
performing those final touches that make the difference between a man
well turned out and a man merely dressed. In the main I was not
dissatisfied. His dress waistcoats, it is true, no longer permit the
inhalation of anything like a full breath, and his collars clasp too
closely. (I have always held that a collar may provide quite ample
room for the throat without sacrifice of smartness if the depth be at
least two and one quarter inches.) And it is no secret to either the
Honourable George or our intimates that I have never approved his
fashion of beard, a reddish, enveloping, brushlike affair never nicely
enough trimmed. I prefer, indeed, no beard at all, but he stubbornly
refuses to shave, possessing a difficult chin. Still, I repeat, he was
not nearly impossible as he now left my hands.
“Dining with the Americans,” he remarked, as I conveyed the hat,
gloves, and stick to him in their proper order.
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “And might I suggest, sir, that your choice be
a grilled undercut or something simple, bearing in mind the undoubted
effects of shell-fish upon one’s complexion?” The hard truth is that
after even a very little lobster the Honourable George has a way of
coming out in spots. A single oyster patty, too, will often spot him
quite all over.
“What cheek! Decide that for myself,” he retorted with a lame effort
at dignity which he was unable to sustain. His eyes fell from mine.
“Besides, I’m almost quite certain that the last time it was the
melon. Wretched things, melons!”
Then, as if to divert me, he rather fussily refused the correct
evening stick I had chosen for him and seized a knobby bit of
thornwood suitable only for moor and upland work, and brazenly quite
discarded the gloves.
“Feel a silly fool wearing gloves when there’s no reason!” he
exclaimed pettishly.
“Quite so, sir,” I replied, freezing instantly.
“Now, don’t play the juggins,” he retorted. “Let me be comfortable.
And I don’t mind telling you I stand to win a hundred quid this very
evening.”
“I dare say,” I replied. The sum was more than needed, but I had cause
to be thus cynical.
“From the American Johnny with the eyebrows,” he went on with a quite
pathetic enthusiasm. “We’re to play their American game of
poker--drawing poker as they call it. I’ve watched them play for near
a fortnight. It’s beastly simple. One has only to know when to bluff.”
“A hundred pounds, yes, sir. And if one loses----”
He flashed me a look so deucedly queer that it fair chilled me.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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