But then, remember, Life is short And Woman's Arts are very long, And sometimes when one didn't ought One knowingly commits a wrong; Well--speaking for myself, of course, I almost always feel remorse. One should not break one's self _too_ fast Of little habits of this sort, Which may be definitely classed With gambling or a taste for port; They should be _slowly_ dropped, until The Heart is subject to the Will. I knew a man on Seventh Street Who, at a very slight expense, By persevering, was complete- Ly cured of total abstinence; An altered life he has begun And takes a horn with anyone. I knew another man whose wife Was an invet'rate suicide, She daily strove to take her life And (naturally) nearly died; But some such system she essayed, And now she's eighty in the shade. Ah, the new leaves I try to turn, But, like so many men in town, I seem, as with regret I learn, Merely to turn the corner down; A habit which I fear, alack! Makes it more easy to turn back. I have been criticised a lot; I venture to enquire what for; Because, forsooth, I have not got The instincts of a bachelor! Just hear my story, you will find How grossly I have been maligned. I was unlucky with my wives, So are the most of married men; Undoubtedly they lost their lives,-- Of course, but even so, what then? I loved them dearly, understand, And I _can_ love, to beat the band. My first was little Emmeline, More beautiful than day was she; Her proud, aristocratic mien Was what at once attracted me. I naturally did not know That I should soon dislike her so. But there it was! And you'll infer I had not very long to wait Before my red-hot love for her Turned to unutterable hate. So, when this state of things I found, I naturally had her drowned. My next was Sarah, sweet but shy, And quite inordinately meek; Yes, even now I wonder why I had her hanged within the week. Perhaps I felt a bit upset, Or else she bored me, I forget. Then came Evangeline, my third, And, when I chanced to be away, She, so I subsequently heard, Was wont (I deeply grieve to say) With my small retinue to flirt. I strangled her. I hope it hurt.