To share my somewhat lofty rank Was what they panted for, like mad; You see my balance at the bank Was not so small, and, I may add, A Castle, Gothic and immense, Is my Official Residence. It overlooks a many a mile Of park, of gardens and domains; I'm staying now in lodgings, while They're doing up the--well--the drains,-- For they began to give offence At my Official Residence. And, when I entertain at home, I hardly ever fail to please, The "upper tens" alone may come To join in my "recherché" teas; I am a King in ev'ry sense At my Official Residence. My dances, on a parquet floor, My royal dinners, which consist Of fifteen courses, sometimes more, Are things that are not lightly missed; In fact I do not spare expense At my Official Residence. My hospitality to those Whom I invite to come and stay Is famed; my wine like water flows, Exactly like, some people say, But this is mere impertinence At my Official Residence. When through the streets I walk about My subjects stand and kiss their hands, Raise a refined metallic shout, Wave flags and warble tunes on bands, While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,-- With my commands to let it bunt. When I come home again, of course, Retainers are employed to cheer, My paid domestics get quite hoarse Acclaiming me, and you can hear The welkin ringing to the sky,-- Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I! And yet, in spite of this, there are Some persons who, at diff'rent times, --(Because I am so popular)-- Accuse me of most awful crimes; A girl once said I was a flirt! Oh my! how the expression hurt! I _never_ flirted in the least, Never for very long, I mean,-- Ask any lady (now deceased) Who partner of my life has been;-- Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps, I meet a girl, like other chaps. And, if I like her very much, And if she cares for me a bit, Where is the harm of look or touch If neither of us mentions it? It isn't right, I don't suppose, But no one's hurt if no one knows! And, if I placed my hand below Her chin and raised her face an inch, And then proceeded--well, you know,-- (Excuse the vulgarism)--to clinch; It would be wrong without a doubt, That is, if anyone found out.