Sam in the SuburbsWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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Sam in the Suburbs
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
England -- Fiction; Gangsters -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Publishers and publishing -- Fiction
In spite of herself, Claire’s spirits rose a little. She never failed to
read every word that Aunt Ysobel wrote, for she considered that lady a
complete guide to all mundane difficulties. Nor was this an unduly
flattering opinion, for Aunt Ysobel was indeed like a wise pilot,
gently steering the storm-tossed barks of her fellow men and women
through the shoals and sunken rocks of the ocean of life. If you wanted
to know whether to blow on your tea or allow it to cool of itself in
God’s good time, Aunt Ysobel would tell you. If, approaching her on a
deeper subject, you desired to ascertain the true significance of the
dark young man’s offer of flowers, she could tell you that too--even
attributing to each individual bloom a hidden and esoteric meaning which
it would have been astonished to find that it possessed.
Should a lady shake hands or bow on parting with a gentleman whom she
has met only once? Could a gentleman present a lady with a pound of
chocolates without committing himself to anything unduly definite? Must
mother always come along? Did you say “Miss Jones--Mr. Smith” or “Mr.
Smith--Miss Jones,” when introducing friends? And arising from this
question, did Mr. Smith on such an occasion say, “Pleased to meet you”
or “Happy, I’m sure”?
Aunt Ysobel was right there every time with the correct answer. And
everything she wrote had a universal message.
It was so to-day. Scarcely had Claire begun to read, when her eye was
caught by a paragraph headed Worried (Upper Sydenham).
“Coo!” said Claire.
The passage ran as follows:
“WORRIED (Upper Sydenham). You tell me, dear, that the man to whom
you are betrothed seems to you to be growing cold, and you ask me
what you had better do. Well, dear, there is only one thing you
can do, and I give this advice to all my girl friends who come to
me with this trouble. You must test this man. You see, he may not
really be growing cold; he may merely have some private business
worry on his mind which causes him to seem distrait. If you test
him you will soon learn the truth. What I suggest may seem to you
at first a wee bit unladylike, but try it all the same. Pretend to
show a liking for some other gentleman friend of yours. Even flirt
with him a teeny-weeny bit.
“You will soon discover then if this young man really cares for you
still. If he does he will exhibit agitation. He may even go to the
length of becoming violent. In the olden days, you know, knights
used to joust for the love of their lady. Try Herbert or George, or
whatever his name is, out for a week, and see if you can work him
up to the jousting stage.”
Claire laid down the paper with trembling hands. The thing might have
been written for her personal benefit. There was no getting away from
Aunt Ysobel. She touched the spot every time.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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