Humorous stories, American; New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction; Short stories, American
"And you're left at the post?" says I.
"Yes," says he. "I couldn't take the twins and follow her, but I could
telegraph. My first message read like this, 'What's the matter with
me?' Here is her answer to that," and he digs up a yellow envelope
from his inside pocket.
"Not domestic enough. G." It was short and crisp.
He couldn't give me his come back to that, for he said it covered three
blanks; but it was meant to be an ironclad affidavit that he could be
just as domestic as the next man, if he only had a chance.
"And then?" says I.
"Read it," says he, handin' over Exhibit Two.
"You have the chance now," it says. "Manage the twins for a month, and
I will believe you."
And that was as far as he could get. Now, first and last, I guess
there's been dozens of girls, not countin' all kinds of widows, that's
had their lassoes out for Pinckney. He's been more or less interested
in some; but when he really runs across one that's worth taggin' she
does the sudden duck and runs him up against a game like this.
"And you're tryin' to make good, eh?" says I. "What's your program?"
For Pinckney, he hadn't done so worse. First he hunts up the only aunt
he's got on his list. She's a wide, heavy weight old girl, that's lost
or mislaid a couple of husbands, but hasn't ever had any kids of her
own, and puts in her time goin' to Europe and comin' back. She was
just havin' the trunks checked for Switzerland when Pinckney locates
her and tells how glad he is to see her again. Didn't she want to
change her plans and stay a month or so with him and the twins at some
nice place up in Westchester? One glimpse of Jack and Jill with their
comp'ny manners on wins her. Sure, she will!
So it's tip to Pinckney to hire a happy home for the summer, all found.
Got any idea of how he tackles a job like that? Most folks would take
a week off and do a lot of travelling sizin' up different joints.
They'd want to know how many bath rooms, if there was malaria, and all
about the plumbin', and what the neighbours was like. But livin' at
the club don't put you wise to them tricks. Pinckney, he just rings up
a real estate agent, gets him to read off a list, says, "I'll take No.
3," and it's all over. Next day they move out.
Was he stung? Well, not so bad as you'd think. Course, he's stuck
about two prices for rent, and he signs a lease without readin' farther
than the "Whereas"; but, barrin' a few things like haircloth furniture
and rooms that have been shut up so long they smell like the subcellars
in a brewery, he says the ranch wa'n't so bad. The outdoors was good,
anyway. There was lots of it, acres and acres, with trees, and flower
gardens, and walks, and fish ponds, and everything you could want for a
pair of youngsters that needed room. I could see that myself.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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