English fiction -- 20th century; Short stories, English
I pricked up my ears. I saw the promise of getting him to talk about
himself. And I can listen to anything a man has to tell me of his own
history; it is only men’s opinions that I find so boring. Why will
people have opinions?
“And overstrained your memory?” I asked.
He shook his head and pursed his mouth. “It wasn’t that that ruined my
prospects,” he said.
“No?” I commented, as provocatively as I could.
He leaned a little forward and frowned with an effect of thoughtful
concentration as he said, “You see, in some ways I’ve got too good
a memory; the trouble with me is that I can’t remember what I’ve
remembered.”
I raised my eyebrows interrogatively. I could see that he was warm,
now, with the craving to confess himself.
“You aren’t a writer, yourself, by any chance?” he asked.
“I’ve done a certain amount,” I admitted.
“Thought you had rather that look,” he said; and went on quickly as if
he were afraid that I might, in the circumstances, be tempted to detail
my own achievements; “and that being so, my case might interest you,
professionally, as you might say.”
“It certainly would, if you care to....” I began, but I saw that he
was not listening. Those queer-looking eyes of his had taken on the
expression of one who is engaged in some immense effort of memory.
“As a young man,” he said--I guessed him to be, then, about
thirty-five--“I had a great ambition to become a writer; but although
my mind was full of ideas, I had no gift for putting them into
language. At first, I tried in the ordinary way, just as all beginners
do, to write stories for the magazines; but they none of them got
accepted. Which wasn’t to be wondered at. I knew myself how bad they
were, and I used to console myself a little with that knowledge. I may
have read somewhere that so long as you kept a cool head about your own
writing, there was hope for you.
“Anyway, I left off writing for a time--I wasn’t twenty then--and took
to studying. I read all the best authors--carefully, trying to see how
the thing was done. I had a lot of spare time one way and another,
and in the next five years I got through a wonderful lot of reading.
I didn’t confine myself to English authors, either; I read a heap of
translations from Russian, French, and German. And all that time I
never once tried to write again, myself. I was just getting to learn my
trade, I thought.
“Then I lost my job in the city, and while I was looking about for
another one I had another shot at writing a magazine story. Well, it
was certainly the nearest I’d got up to then of being the right thing.
It was a lot better written than any of my other shots, but the plot
was too weak. And I found that in learning to write I had lost all my
ideas. I’d forgotten all the old ones, and no new ones came to me. At
least, not at first.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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