MISS SNA. _(Reading.)_ "The Young Man's best Companion"--a very excellent book for youth; but at Mr. Niggle's age, he ought to possess _his_ best companion in a devoted and amiable wife; heigho! What a treasure _I_ should be to any man that could properly understand me. _(Takes up another book.)_ "The Epistles of Abelard and Heloise." I am pleased to see this book on his table, it proves that he possesses a taste for sentiment of the highest order, and can admire devotedness and passion under the most trying circumstances. "The Newgate Calender." Bless the man, what can induce him to have such a book as this in his house; surely he can have no sympathy with housebreakers and assassins? I must look to this: should I ever be the mistress here, some of these volumes must be removed--this furniture too--very well for a bachelor; but when he is married, a change must be made. And those curtains, how slovenly they are put up. Ah, any one can discover the want of a presiding female hand in a bachelor's house--where is the neatness, the order, and the good taste that prevails in all the arrangements, where the master of the house is a married man. If ever I am Mrs. Niggle, down shall come those curtains, away shall go that sideboard, off shall go those chairs, and as for this table--let me look at its legs----_(Lifts up the cover and examines the legs of it.)_ [_DAMPER peeps in, F.E.L._ DAM. Hollo! hollo! MISS SNA. Oh! how you frightened me. DAM. It's a very suspicious thing when an old maid examines a bachelor's furniture. MISS SNA. Good morning, Mr. Damper, I was merely observing Mr. Niggle's table legs. DAM. (L.) Ah! when an old maid finds herself on her own last legs, 'tis time she should observe those of other people. MISS SNA. (L.) What a censorious man you are, Mr. Damper, you rail at our sex as if you considered it man's natural enemy, instead of his best friend. Is it possible that you have never loved a woman in all your life? DAM. I love a woman! Ugh! I look upon you all as the first great cause of every evil. MISS SNA. For, like most first great causes, you don't understand us. DAM. If I don't, I have no wish to acquire any such useless knowledge. May I ask what you want at my friend Niggle's, so early in the morning: some conspiracy, I'll be bound. I wont allow it, Miss Snare; if you think to inveigle him into matrimony, you'll find yourself mistaken; he shall never marry, if I can prevent him making such a ninny of himself. MISS SNA. It is entirely through your interference, I have been told, that he is in a state of celibacy; and, though the poor gentleman is now fifty-five, yet ever since he arrived at years of discretion, he has been sighing and pining for a wife. DAM. He would have been a ruined man long ago, but for me; five times have I saved him from the matrimonial precipice. MISS SNA. How did you save him?