Stephen H. Branch's Alligator, Vol. 1 no. 04, May 15, 1858
History
Stephen H. Branch's Alligator, Vol. 1 no. 04, May 15, 1858
New York (N.Y.) -- Politics and government
through correspondence with a brother, as my own itch required my
unremitting attention. The students often asked me why I scratched my
legs and back so much, and why I always had pimples in the rear of
my hands, and between my fingers, and on my knuckles, and why I wore
boxing gloves so much. I told them that I had the salt rheum that my
dear mother gave me. I went to Andover, in a sleigh, with a student
named Terry, who had a sweetheart in the suburbs of the town, with whom
he lingered until late in the evening. On our return to Cambridge, we
got lost in the woods, at midnight, and came near freezing. In our
emergence from the forest, and while sharply turning a corner of the
country road, we upset, and both were thrown with great violence, on
the uneven snow and ice. Terry fell on his prominent, though handsome
nose. The night was dark, and his hands were numb, and on applying his
fingers to his nose, he could not feel it, and thought it had frozen,
and broken, and gone, as blood flowed freely from where his nose ought
to be, and once was, and in abject despair, (for Terry dearly loved his
nose,) he exclaimed: “Branch! where are you?” “I am here.” “Well, do
come here, for the Lord’s sake.” “What’s the matter, Terry?” “Branch,
can you see my nose?” “No. It is so dark, I cannot see you. Where are
you, Terry?” “Here.” We then found each other, and he besought me,
in touching accents, to feel for his nose, and I did, and told him
that I feared his nose was gone, as I could not feel it, nor could I,
because my arms and fingers were so numb. Poor Terry wept bitterly,
while I laughed into smothered hysterics. We got into the sleigh, and
off we went towards Cambridge, with Terry moaning over the loss of his
nose, and I laughing through the disguise of a cough or sneeze. On our
arrival at his College room, I struck a match, and Terry rushed for the
glass, and lo! his mangled nose was there, gleaming and streaming with
icicles of blood, and the pale liquid of nature. He made a fire, and
bathed his wounds, and melted his nosy icicles, and jumped and hopped
and leaped with unwonted ecstacy. The previous cold and sudden heat of
Terry’s fire irritated my itch, and I wanted to scratch my pimples, but
dared not in Terry’s presence, and I put on my coat to go to my college
apartment, to bathe my body with itch ointment. But Terry wanted me to
sleep with him. He had a large feather bed, and the fire was blazing,
and I was sure I would get into a perspiration, and give him the itch
if I slept with him. So I declined. But he insisted, and locked the
room, and hid the key. What to do I did not know. I dared not tell him
I had the itch, but told him that I must go to my room, and get my
lessons for the morrow, to which he would not listen. I had not applied
ointment for fifteen hours, and I was anxious to do so that night, and
made a warm appeal to Terry to unlock the door, but he would not. He
then made some warm punch, and displayed his crackers, cheese, apples,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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