_P._—That’s the way old Captain Tallman spelt it, when I was a boy. _S._—It is spelt sloop in these days. _P._—Ah, yes, that’s correct, I remember. _S._—Spell dough? _P._—Doe. _S._—No. _P._—My grandmother used to spell it so. _S._—It is spelt dough. _S._—Spell God? _P._—Gorde. _S._—No. _P._ (is silent for some seconds, and grows pale, and sweats profusely)—Merciful Heaven! And do you say Gorde is incorrect? _S._—I do. It is spelt God. _P._—Ah, yes, I was mistaken. That’s the way I have always spelt it. _S._—Spell scholar? _P._—Skoller. _S._—No. _P._—Skollar. _S._—No. _P._—That’s the way I always spelt it, and I’ll bet a dollar that’s the way to spell it. _S._—That’s a bet. _P._—How shall we decide it? _S._—Have you got a dictionary? _P._—Yes. (Examines it.) Well, I declare, you have won the dollar. What a curious way to spell scholar, to put _ch_ for _k_. Mr. Branch: who invented language? _S._—The Egyptians. _P._—What old fools they must have been? _S._—Those Egyptians who discovered the alphabet, were the wisest linguists of the human race. And those Arabians who discovered the digits, were the profoundest mathematicians. And, as you can neither spell nor cypher well, I advise you to defer your arithmetic and grammar lessons until you learn orthography. _P._—I don’t know what you mean by linguist, nor by digits. And what on earth do you mean by orthography? _S._—Orthography means spelling. _P._—Ah, yes, I thought that was it. Now, Mr. Branch, I am in public life, as you know, and I am very anxious to make a good speech and write a good letter; and, in order to do that, I must understand Grammar. And I think I can spell well enough to study Grammar, Mr. Branch. You have only examined me in a few words, and because I slightly broke down on them, you must not suppose that I can’t spell well enough to study Grammar. Just try me in a few more words. _S._—Spell alderman? _P._—Oldermon. _S._—No. _P._—Olldermone. _S._—No. _P._—How, then? _S._—Alderman. _P._—Ah, yes. That’s the way I was just agoing to spell it. _S._—Spell Common Council? _P._—Komon Kounsil. _S._—No, sir. It is spelt Common Council. _P._—Is it possible? _S._—Yes. And now spell municipal? _P._—Dam if I don’t give that up; for, although I have been a member of the municiple government, I nover could spell that awful word without looking at the dictionary two or three times; and it always took me a mighty long time to find municiple, even in the dictionary. Now, do try me on some easier word than that,—won’t you, Mr. Branch? _S._—Spell Mayor? _P._—Mare. _S._—No. _P._—How, then? _S._—Mayor. _P._—Ah, yes,—I forgot. That’s it exactly. _S._—Spell contracts? _P._—I can spell that fast enough. Kontrax. _S._—No. _P._—Kontracks. _S._—No. It is spelt contracts.