_P._—I begin to think my memory is getting bad, for I once could spell all these words. And I have had so many contracts from the Corporation, and have written that word so often, that I am sure I used to spell it correctly. Now give me one more easy word, and if I break down, dam if I don’t surrender. _S._—Spell Cable? _P._—I have got a few shares in that precious stock, and I’ll bet $5 I can spell it correctly. _S._—Done. _P._—Kabell. _S._—No. It is spelt cable. _P._—There’s a V. And now, although I have spelt several words incorrectly, yet, as I am growing old, I desire to learn as fast as possible; and I want you to give me grammar lessons and teach me spelling at the same time. And if you will learn me very fast, I will let you have one share in the Atlantic Cable, for your instructions. _S._—I would rather have the cash, as I cannot believe that a cord about the circumference of my thumb can permanently connect the hemispheres. _P._—Very well, sir. I have perfect confidence in the Cable enterprise, and I don’t care about parting with my stock. So I will pay you in cash for your tuition. Now please give me a lesson in grammar. _S._—Well, I will strive to gratify you,—although I again assure you, that orthography is the basis of grammar, and we shall encounter ruinous obstacles in the construction of the grammatical pyramid, in the absence of orthography and orthœpy. _P._—For the land’s sake, what is the meaning of the last word? _S._—Orthœpy means pronunciation. _P._—How queer your jaw opens and closes, when you pronounce that strange word. _S._—I suppose so. I will now give you the first lesson in grammar. _P._—Let me first take a good stiff horn of brandy to brace my nerves. (Drinks.) Now, sir, I am ready for Grammar, which, I repeat, I studied when a boy; and I only desire to review what I know already. _S._—How many parts of speech are there? _P._—What do you mean by that? _S._—I mean, into how many parts of speech is language divided? _P._—Well, by golly, I don’t know exactly,—but, from the immense number of words in the Bible, and in all the books at the Harpers, and in the Historical Society, and in all the newspapers, I should think there must be, at the lowest calculation, about five hundred million parts of speech. _S._—There are only nine parts of speech. _P._—I begin to think you are crazy; for, do you think you can humbug me by saying that there are only nine different words, or parts of speech, in the English language? I shall consider it to be my duty to have you put in the Lunatic Asylum, if you talk in that way. _S._—I still assert that there are only nine parts of speech, which are: a noun, article, adjective, pronoun, verb, adverb, preposition, conjunction, and interjection. _P._—Ah, yes, I recollect. _S._—Well, what part of speech is iron? _P._—As near as I can recollect, iron is the seventh, and it may possibly be the ninth part of speech.