Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 3: Analysis of the Sexual Impulse; Love and Pain; The Sexual Impulse in WomenEllis, Havelock
Science
Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 3: Analysis of the Sexual Impulse; Love and Pain; The Sexual Impulse in Women
Ellis, Havelock
Sex; Sex (Psychology)
"As a lad of 11 or 12, I had heard frequent allusions to
masturbation by other boys who were older, but always in a way
that indicated contempt. Yet there is no doubt now in my mind
that the practice was very general. I think that I was probably
about 15 when I decided to try the act. I think that there was
little sex impulse in this decision. The animating purpose was
rather curiosity. I succeeded in producing the complete orgasm
and found it pleasurable, though there was a considerable shock
of surprise at the ejaculation of semen. As nearly as I can
estimate in my memory of an event as far back as this was, this
was the beginning of definite sexual sensibility in me. I cannot
but believe, however, that it would have been aroused sooner or
later in some other way. Thereafter I would imagine myself
embracing some of the girl friends to whom I have referred above,
and, when excited, would masturbate. The act was in every
instance a psychic intercourse. For some time I did not know that
the practice was considered harmful. I indulged whenever I felt
the inclination. This at times was rather frequent; again only at
considerable intervals. I did know that it was looked upon as
being unmanly, and never admitted, except to perhaps two or three
boy friends, that I ever indulged. With these boys I practised
mutual masturbation a few times. There was no homosexual feeling
connected with these acts in any of us. It was only that the
normal method of gratifying our desires was not available. I know
the subsequent history of each of these boys, and there has been
nothing to indicate any perverted instinct in any of them. About
the age of 16 I heard a talk on sexual matters by a traveling
evangelist, who portrayed the effects of masturbation in fearful
colors. I now realize that he was an ignorant though
well-intentioned man; but the general effect of his talk upon me
was a bad one. One of the results of the habit, according to his
statements, was insanity. Therefore I expected at any moment to
lose my mind. I felt that I must stop the practice at once, but
the matter became so great an obsession that again and again I
broke my resolutions for reform. I undertook exercise, dieting,
the reading of serious literature: all of which I had seen
referred to in books as methods of lessening sexual desire. The
object of these disciplinary practices was always the thing most
prominently in mind, and so they were of no avail. Fortunately I
entered college a little later, and the affairs of school life
gradually took a commanding place in my thoughts, and the
practice was not so much in mind. I did not, however, completely
break away from it until almost the time of my marriage. If the
present attitude of the scientific medical world toward the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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