"I have been unable until now to find another counterfeit two dollar bill, but hope the one now enclosed will suit, professing at the same time my inability to discover what the objection was to the other, which I thought as good a counterfeit as I ever saw." *HELPING THE HORSES* A gentleman riding on the front platform of a down-town horse-car, noticed standing beside him a tired-looking Irishman who held a heavy bundle on his shoulder. "Why don’t you set that bundle down on the platform?" asked Mr. L----. "Sure," said the Celt, "those poor horses have all they can do to dr-rag the car and the payple. Oi’ll carry the bundle." *DISCREDITED THE STORY* A well-known character in a small town in New Jersey, having returned after a year’s absence, was accosted by an acquaintance as follows: "Hello, Bill, where in the world have I you been? I heard you were dead long ago." "I heerd o’ that meself," Bill replied, "but I knowed it was a lie soon as I heerd it." *A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN* Representative H----, of Iowa, sent some garden seeds to a constituent one spring. They were enclosed in one of the regular franked government envelopes, bearing the words: "Penalty for private use three hundred dollars." A few days later, H---- received this letter: "DEAR MR. H----: I don’t know what to do with those garden seeds you sent me. I notice it is three hundred dollars fine for private use. I don’t want to use them for the public; I want to plant them in my private garden, and can’t afford to pay three hundred dollars for the privilege. Won’t you see if you can fix it so I can use them privately, for I am a law-abiding citizen and do not want to commit any crime." *CONVENIENT* Two Irishmen were arguing in regard to the spiritualistic leanings of the late Ferdinand J. Dreer. "Well," said one, "he moight have been a bit foolish an’ belaved in banshee an’ the loike, but he knew enough to have himself cr-remated." "An’ do yez be thinkin’ that’s a good thing?" said the other. "Why, mon, I do that! Whin yez is cr-remated yez can have the remains put in a tin box and kerry thim ar-round in your vist pocket wid yez." *THE RESPECTFUL SON* The obedient boy is a treasure, but in trying to be polite he sometimes slips up. The father of this lad had brought him up to be courteous to his elders on all occasions. Upon going to a distant school, his father had told him to telegraph home "Yes," if he found everything satisfactory and had arrived safely. He did so, but the busy parent had forgotten the arrangement and, being puzzled, telegraphed back, "Yes, what?" The answer came, "Yes, sir." *A JOKE IN A SERIOUS PLACE*