The case was one in which the plaintiff sought to recover damages from a railroad company for the killing of a cow. During the course of his argument, the country lawyer used this expressive sentence: "If the train had been run as it should have been ran, or if the bell had been rung as it should have been rang, or if the whistle had been blown as it should have been blew, both of which they did neither, the cow would not have been injured when she was killed." *NOT A GOOD SWIMMER* Two men in the West were to be hanged for horse stealing. The place selected was the middle of a trestle bridge spanning a river. The rope was not securely tied about the neck of the first man to be dropped, and the knot slipped; he fell in the river and immediately swam for the shore. As they were adjusting the rope for the second culprit, an Irishman, he remarked: "Will yez be sure and tie that good and tight, ’cause I can’t swim." *THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE* General Sheridan was once asked at what little incident he had laughed the most. "Well," he said, "I do not know, but always laugh when I think of the Irishman and the army mule. I was riding down the line one day, when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally caught its hoof in the stirrup, when, in the excitement, the Irishman exclaimed, ’Well, if you’re going to get on, I’ll get off.’" *BUSINESS HABIT* Some time ago a tramp was walking along, asking the pedestrians whom he met for alms. He stopped in front of the shop of a Jewish second-hand merchant; suddenly he entered it and appreached the dealer, saying, "Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?" The man looked at him and said with a characteristic business-like air, "Vare is dot ped? Let me see it." *A TEACHER’S JOYS* A Philadelphia school-teacher tells this story: "Last week I was teaching a spelling lesson to a class of little second-graders. The word ’each’ occurred, was written, on the board, and from it I expected to derive ’peach,’ ’reach,’ ’teach,’ etc. Pointing to the word, I said, ’Can any child give a sentence using "each"?’ "A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up and a little German girl replied, ’Does your back each?’" *FAMILY PRIDE* A number of little girls were boasting of the rank of their respective families. They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to interior furnishings, and finally came to parental dignity. The minister’s little girl boasted: "Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D." "And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the daughter of the physician. Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party. "Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D."