*ON THE WITNESS STAND* Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the lawyer’s advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his own words. "Well, the man fell in th’ str-reet as’ the car-r passed; thin th’ car-r stopped, an’ we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th’ man and shouted: ’He’s kilt; he’s kilt!’ Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out uv th’ way and yells at ’em: ’Yez thick-heads, yez! If the man’s kilt why in Hivvin’s name don’t yez stand to one side and let him have a br-reath of air-r." *DEFECTIVE EDUCATION* A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same predicament, so calling a waiter he said: "Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar." Quick as a flash the waiter replied: "’Scuse me, boss, but I ain’t had much ejication maself!" *UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER* "Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends." "Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn’t help it. I was tellin’ her how you tried to make cake one day." *SHE WAS EXCUSED* One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden. "Yes, mamma, I did and I didn’t," she said. "What do you mean by that, dear?" "Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn’t excuse me to-night and He said, ’Oh, don’t mention it, Miss Brooks.’" *A WRONG TRANSLATION* Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a country hotel near Pittsburg. Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle Français." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said, "Do you speak French?" "No," the man replied, "United States will do for me." "Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That means, ’French is spoken here.’" "Well, I’ll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold that to me for ’God bless our home.’" *GETTING EVEN WITH HIM*