“Two Dukes would Mary make a bride, And from her foes defend her”— “Well, not exactly that,” they cried, “We offer guilty splendour. “We do not offer marriage rite, So please dismiss the notion!” “Oh dear,” said she, “that alters quite The state of my emotion.” The Earl he up and says, says he, “Dismiss them to their orgies, For I am game to marry thee Quite reg’lar at St. George’s.” (He’d had, it happily befell, A decent education, His views would have befitted well A far superior station.) His sterling worth had worked a cure, She never heard him grumble; She saw his soul was good and pure, Although his rank was humble. Her views of earldoms and their lot, All underwent expansion— Come, Virtue in an earldom’s cot! Go, Vice in ducal mansion! THOMSON GREEN AND HARRIET HALE (_To be sung to the Air of_ “_An ’Orrible Tale_.”) OH list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE; Its truth in one remark you’ll sum— “Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!” Oh, THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer, And made three hundred pounds a year; And HARRIET HALE, most strange to say, Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day. Oh, THOMSON GREEN, I may remark, Met HARRIET HALE in Regent’s Park, Where he, in a casual kind of way, Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day. They met again, and strange, though true, He courted her for a month or two, Then to her pa he said, says he, “Old man, I love your daughter and your daughter worships me!” Their names were regularly banned, The wedding day was settled, and I’ve ascertained by dint of search They were married on the quiet at St. Mary Abbot’s Church. Oh, list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE, Its truth in one remark you’ll sum— “Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!” That very self-same afternoon They started on their honeymoon, And (oh, astonishment!) took flight To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin, Isle of Wight. But now—you’ll doubt my word, I know— In a month they both returned, and lo! Astounding fact! this happy pair Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury Square! They led a weird and reckless life, They dined each day, this man and wife (Pray disbelieve it, if you please), On a joint of meat, a pudding, and a little bit of cheese. In time came those maternal joys Which take the form of girls or boys, And strange to say of each they’d one— A tiddy-iddy daughter, and a tiddy-iddy son! Oh, list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE, Its truth in one remark you’ll sum— “Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!”