And so I kept the Peace, but thought about The many martial plans we figured out; And how the cost of my Frontier Defences Compared with his proposed campaign expenses. You see, Mein Heir, this man was full of guile And caused the War: this Bey of Oyster Isle. He hypnotized me: put it in my mind To be the Potentate of all Mankind! So blame me not! The fault I must disown, And put the guilt on Theodore alone! Whatever comes anon, I'm not whipped yet! And with it all, I have but one regret-- That _he_ was not impressed to lead my drive To Petersburg to take the Czar alive; And then, a Marshal, ordered to Paree To capture it and bring it back to me; Then take my fleet, the English Channel over And put King George to rout and bombard Dover; And then supplant the Sultan, take his Fez And lead my peerless Forces to Suez. While _you_ have failed, and Hindenburg and Mack, _He_ never fizzles when he makes attack. See what I've missed! for, _see what he has done_! And yet his vast campaign is just begun. He leads his Legions, Bull Moose, Calf and Cow To capture a Convention _even now_." * * * * * An orderly approached the Royal Pair Just at this stage and left despatches there. He stood at close attention, hand to head, While this absorbing cablegram was read-- "Outflanked and captured; resignation tendered; Mooses dehorned and all the herd surrendered! Am looking for another job already,-- Would take the German Presidency--Teddy." * * * * * The Kaiser turned, looked at the Prince and wept, While noxious gases o'er the bulwarks crept. LOVE'S RECOMPENSE "Do you really, truly love me, with a love that mocks at Fate?" Cried the rustic, buxom maiden to her lover at the gate; "Yes, my Pet! And when Dame Fortune smiles upon us we will wed; I will strew your path with roses: Bear me witness, Gods o'erhead!" Thus he spake unto his sweetheart, under Heaven's starry blue, And the angels, smiling on him, heard his vow to "e'er be true." Then he placed his arms around her--kissed her: they were in a trance! And two _soles_ toward Heav'n were lifted as the bulldog grabbed his pants. ADAM'S ALE