The Best American Humorous Short Stories — John Shaqi
The Best American Humorous Short Stories
General
The Best American Humorous Short Stories
Short stories, American
Scarcely had the words been uttered, and the speaker hidden his
burning face behind the curtain, when Mr. Kingsbury started up
in his place amid the throng, to give a public recital of his
grievance—no uncommon resort in the new country. He dashed at once
to the point; and before some friends who saw the utter impropriety
of his proceeding could persuade him to defer his vengeance, he had
laid before the assembly—some three hundred people, perhaps—his own
statement of the case. He was got out at last, half coaxed, half
hustled; and the gentle public only half understanding what had
been set forth thus unexpectedly, made quite a pretty row of it.
Some clamored loudly for the conclusion of the exercises; others
gave utterances in no particularly choice terms to a variety of
opinions as to the schoolmaster’s proceedings, varying the note
occasionally by shouting, “The letters! the letters! why don’t you
bring out the letters?”
At length, by means of much rapping on the desk by the president
of the evening, who was fortunately a “popular” character, order
was partially restored; and the favorite scene from Miss More’s
dialogue of David and Goliath was announced as the closing piece.
The sight of little David in a white tunic edged with red tape,
with a calico scrip and a very primitive-looking sling; and a huge
Goliath decorated with a militia belt and sword, and a spear like
a weaver’s beam indeed, enchained everybody’s attention. Even the
peccant schoolmaster and his pretended letters were forgotten,
while the sapient Goliath, every time that he raised the spear, in
the energy of his declamation, to thump upon the stage, picked away
fragments of the low ceiling, which fell conspicuously on his great
shock of black hair. At last, with the crowning threat, up went the
spear for an astounding thump, and down came a large piece of the
ceiling, and with it—a shower of letters.
The confusion that ensued beggars all description. A general
scramble took place, and in another moment twenty pairs of eyes,
at least, were feasting on the choice phrases lavished upon Mr.
Horner. Miss Bangle had sat through the whole previous scene,
trembling for herself, although she had, as she supposed, guarded
cunningly against exposure. She had needed no prophet to tell her
what must be the result of a tête-à-tête between Mr. Horner and
Ellen; and the moment she saw them drive off together, she induced
her imp to seize the opportunity of abstracting the whole parcel of
letters from Mr. Horner’s desk; which he did by means of a sort of
skill which comes by nature to such goblins; picking the lock by
the aid of a crooked nail, as neatly as if he had been born within
the shadow of the Tombs.
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