S.—Let us arbitrate your claim: arbitration is good for my trade. F.—The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your side. It hangs there. S.—It is impartial: it cuts both ways. For what am I indebted to you? F.—For existence. Prevalence of me has made you possible. S.—Possible? Sir, I am probable. —————— SOLDIER—Why do you wear a cap and bells? FOOL—The civic equivalent of a helmet and plume. S.—Go “hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs.” F.—’Tis only wisdom should be bound in calf, for wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef. S.—Then folly should be garbed in cowskin. F.—Aye, that it may the sooner appear for what it is—the naked truth. S.—How should it? F.—You would soon strip off the hide to make harness and trappings withal. No one thinks what conquerors owe to cows. —————— FOOL—Tell me, hero, what is strategy? SOLDIER—The art of putting two knives to one throat. F.—And what is tactics? S.—The art of drawing them across it. F.—Fine! I read (in Joinville, I think) that during the Crusades the armament of a warship comprised two hundred serpents. These be strange weapons. S.—What stuff a fool may talk! The great Rameses used to turn loose lions against his enemies, but no true soldier would employ serpents. Those snakes were used by sailors. F.—A nice distinction, truly. Did you ever employ your blade in the splitting of hairs? S.—I have split masses of them! —————— FOOL—Speaking of the Crusades—at the siege of Acre, when a part of the wall had been thrown down by the Christians the Pisans rushed gallantly into the breach, but the greater part of their army being at dinner, they were bloodily repulsed. Was it not a shame that those feeders should not stir from their porridge to succor their allies? SOLDIER—Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a friend? F.—But they might have conquered, and the city would have been open to sacking and pillage. S.—The selfish gluttons! —————— FOOL—Why is a coachman’s uniform called a livery and a soldier’s livery a uniform? S.—Your presumption grows insupportable. Speak no more of matters that you know nothing about. F.—Such censorship would doom all tongues to inactivity. Test my knowledge. S.—What is war? F.—An acute stage of logical politics. S.—What is peace? F.—A suspension of hostilities. An armistice for the purpose of digging up the dead. S.—I do not follow you. F.—Then I have security without exertion. S.—You damned half-ration! OUR SMART SET URBAN